It's been one year... =)

After seeing the photo album that emma posted on facebook, i realised that time really flies and the bananas have been together for a year!!! Wow... I'm so glad that i was in banana in pajamas when i entered nursing as a freshie. We really sticked together. Now, we are just like a family. I feel a little sad though. Ah xiang drifted apart from us. If not, we really are going to be a complete family. Still, i so glad to have the bananas and be a part of them. We started from being total strangers who somehow have certain unlikes about each other to finally accepting each other and becoming close friends. I really appreciate the bananas. I love you all babes and dude!!! =)

Also, it has been a year since me and Aslim met each other. Through this year, we gone through a lot. From strangers to lovers. We had a lot of happy times, sad times, fights and difficulties. There would still be many more obstacles ahead of us in the future. Honestly, i hope that we can continue to stick together and stay strong and overcome all obstacles. I really love him and i am glad to have met him. =)

Bad bad... =(

I am like damn stress now. First of all, i am suppose to ballot for my electives' tutorial timings but i don't what are the timings and when to ballot. I'm like going to have panic attack like so freaking soon. I feel so lost. I'm like taking both my electives all alone. Wow... How brave. The worst thing is i didn't check the module levels properly and i happily took one level 2 and another level 3 module. This means that i would be fighting against students who are majoring in either malay or japanese studies. My malay elective's class is really small which means moderation is much lesser. I'm so gonna die this semester. I really really hope i'll survive this semester coz i must at try to get all Bs for all my modules this semester. Oh wow... Bad bad bad shu hui... =(

Bad weekend...

Sigh. I had a bad and great weekend at the same time. Super pissed of with my parents and my sister. Long long story but then again... I feel that everything is blamed on me. Okay. They can say that i am selfish but i've sound out my unhappiness and tried making my point a lot of times. Yet, my points are not very much taken. They always say they try to understand me but honestly they have failed big time. Old fashioned should not be a reason. So what if you are old fashioned. Next year, i am turning 21. If you cannot even accept my lifestyle now, so what happens if i turn 21. It is time to let me go. About the ugly smses... Wow... Ugly as it can be. It takes 2 hands to clap. My sms was ugly because the first sms sent to me wasn't that nice either. You expect me to respect you just because you are my parents. NO... Not possible... Respect is earned. For people to respect you, you must respect the person. I'm not some lose gal with no freaking dignity okay.. If i really am, i'll most probably be clubbing every ladies night or weekend to hook up with some random guy. Aslim might not be of any relation to you but wake up... He is not a friend. HE IS A BOYFRIEND!!! SOMEONE I WANT AS MY HUSBAND. FYI... WE ARE PLANNING TO GET MARRIED AND ARE FREAKING SERIOUS ABOUT IT. Gosh... Distance?!!! How much a distance do we need to keep?!!! Have you even been in love?!!! Old fashioned?!!! Drastic actions?!!!! Come on... Talk to me about it man... I'm so god damn excited... Stop being so persistent and stubborn about things. It is time to think like a circle not a box. Gosh... I'm really going nuts!!!

Freedom writers

I was actually watching this movie called the freedom writers online. I really think it is damn good. The movie is a lot on racism in the US at a certain point of time where racism was so bad and people from different races try to mark out their own space as much as possible and kills or beats up whoever that invades their space. This teacher who was new to this particular high school that was integrated in the sense of races actually tried to change the students perception of the racism thingy. She went through all oughts to show them that though they have different stories, backgrounds and races, they are still similar in ways. She also made them realise that there are many other people out there who had went through even more sufferings than them due to racism. This movie is actually based on a real story. In the midst of gaining their trust and to get to know them better, she actually got them each to write a journal. Their journals were put together and published as this book called the freedom writers. This book was published in 1999 if i didn't remember wrongly. Now, i really look forward to reading this book since the movie is so inspiring. I think whoever who read this post should go watch this movie. It is truely inspiring and motivating. I think it really teaches people to pick up their courage, step out of their comfort zones to find a new zone and challenge themselves to make a change or a turn in their lives. It also shows you that dreams do come true and somewhere out there, there is a place for everyone and that if you work hard to realize your dreams, someone out there sees you even if you feel that no one gives a damn about you and that dreams do come true. =)

Guilty...

I really didn't mean to make Tiffany feel betrayed. Honestly, i really feel very bad but it is really for the good of the dance team to have positive competition. I really feel that i took a very wrong approach. It is like bringing someone so high and just dropping her. I felt like that before and i know the feeling totally sucks. However, as much as i hate having to pick my dancers, I have too many dancers and it is impossible not to choose. Though i have in mind who exactly i want on my team, i have to give hidayah the right to pick. Eventually, she is the main choreographer. Nevertheless, i recognise tiffany's contribution. I hope she does not feel that i got hidayah and i don't need her anymore. I still appreciate her opinions and what she did. All the more, i still welcome and hope to hear her comments. I'm not that good and neither is hidayah. I just really hope tiffany understands.

Wonderful weekends comes with a price...

Well, I had a wonderful weekend staying over at my baby's house. It was so nice. Hanging out late with my baby. Hehez... Though the first night he made me so disappointed. How smart of him to suggest having a movie marathon. In the end, I was the only one watching and he was sleeping on the sofa. Sighs... But the second night was fun. We went out bowling with his family. Woo hoo... Seems like my bowling skills got worse while my baby's bowling skills improved. It was really fun though. After that, we went to seven eleven to buy like 4 cans of 500ml heineken and cup noodles and we sat down somewhere to eat and drink and talk. It was really nice. Actually it is a pity we didn't manage to go to st james instead. It was our initial idea but since shafiq and co couldn't get in coz they don't meet the profile. F***ked up bouncers. Like open your eyes and see ok... Malays are not the ones who start the fights most of the time ok... Is dee chinese... Like duh... Coz these chinese guys always think they are freaking good looking that they can look at other gals but other guys cannot look or talk to their girls... Like wtf... Profile... Like tell me what is the profile... If st james is so against Malays, so why are there so many Malay bouncers in da club... Boo!!!

So anyway, finished with the wonderful weekends. Here comes the price... I know my parents are super fed up with me staying over for 2 nights since I told them that I'm only gonna stay over one night but end up staying over for 2. I know that they are sick and tired of scolding me and they do no know what else to say. That's why... Silent treatment. But then again, it does not really matter to me if they still don't get the fact that I really don't like that curfew thingy and the fact that i love night life and i just cannot stay at home coz i find it so boring. So... I guess these are things that they can never accept. But then again... Eventually i do know what i am doing and that this would eventually be my life. So... I've got nothing else to say...

I miss my baby so much anyway... Haha... Wish i was in town with him now... =)

Anger Disappointment...

Well... I don't know where to begin. Apparently, either I've been backstabbed by my seniors or there is a big misunderstanding going on. Somehow, I'm damn pissed.

This is what happened...
Let's name my seniors Miss J and Miss Q. I totally remembered asking Miss J and Miss Q if they want to join my team to compete in quint fac because I still need another 3 more dancers. They smiled and told me. Oh no. No thanks because they are going to be year 3s and would not have the time. So, all along, i naively thought that my team is going to compete in quint fac.

Only when i spoke to the main organizer of the quint fac did i realize that there is another dance team from nursing. I was going wtf!!! So i went up to Miss S and asked her who is that team of dancers. My really super nice senior who have been helping and updating me since i don't know when.

Finally, Miss S got back to me and she said she thinks it is Miss J and Miss Q. I was lyk wtf and wth, like !@#$%^&*()(*&^%$#@!. Seriously... Like damn cb!!!! I really felt like i've got like slapped on the face with a great red hand print on my cheek. Miss S said she would help me talk to them. She said that she agrees with Cecilia that we should not be competing with each other since we are from the same faculty and that they had their glory on stage and now it should be our turn. I totally agree with her. I know i screwed up big time last year and when i told that to Miss S, she told me, every year would be different. I agree. All i want is one more chance. This time, I'll make sure it is a really great performance put up whether or not we are champions. I mean like Miss J and Miss Q. You two had your glory on stage and i think it is time you retire and give your juniors a chance to have our glory. Like stop being so selfish for god's sake. So what if one of you can dance latin or the other can dance hip hop. I don't f***king care. I think if i train my dancers hard with hidayah's help. We are definitely better than you. Like honestly. I don't like to boast and neither do i boast. Sigh... To think that people i thought were friends, turned out to be total hypocrites. F***K!!!

Okay. Enough. Mmm... Got a short message for someone... Well, you should know that this is for you if you ever read this post of mine...
Please don't have silly thoughts of becoming a playboy because you are really a great boyfriend. Maybe she just does not know how to appreciate or cherish you but then again i feel that you should tell her honestly how you feel and work things out. I'm really glad to hear that you are finally willing to give in. The fact that you can learn to give in shows that you are changing and that you still love her. Whether it is true or not. This is how i feel. Pity, I'm not that girl who caused or witnessed your change. Nevertheless, I had my happy times with you. Honestly, if given a second chance, i would treat you the best and give you the best so that i would be the one who've changed you. Pity, you broke up too late with your ex-girlfriend. If i'm single now and not madly and deeply in love with my baby, i would definitely go and grab you. =)

Updates updates...

Wow... Been a super long time since my last post. Oh well. My blog seems super stagnant. Been too busy after my exams. My attachments, then FOC camp, then now dance dance dance and my boyfriend.

I don't know where to start. Let's see... From my birthday then. My very sweet Mr Oink Oink brought me to this super nice buffet dinner. It is actually a cruise thingy. So it was like eating dinner on this cruise that tours the singapore seas and then after that we went up to the deck of the cruise to chill. So nice!!! To me, the dinner was super ex. I really did enjoy myself though. Thank you baby!!! I love you so much.

Well, then came my camp. Haha... Was super fun. I did get quite dirty and very black. But oh well... My tan is fading. So fast!!! haha... I just love being tan. Makes me feel good. I don't know why. Maybe i'm just crazy. When other gals out there trying to be as fair as possible, i want to be as tan as possible. Haha... Oh... And i had a lot of fun staying overnight at Mr Oink Oink's house the first 2 days. And i celebrated my birthday (exact date) with him. Woo hoo... That was nice. Then on 1st july, i manage to get one night out of camp with a few of my dearest girlfriends olive, tiffany and hidayah to go clubbing at powerhouse. Been a super long time since i last clubbed with my girlfriends only. And i really appreciate it baby... =)

Then moving on in my very busy life, i have to dance for conventus and quint fac. And i'm really going crazy over these 2 dances. Man... First time i'm like stress over dance. Even in jc when i was training for my syf, i never felt this stress. Perhaps it is because i am in charge and apart from having fun, i feel that i still have to do a good job and present well to all of those who expect us to do well. This... I really want to say... THANK YOU HIDAYAH!!! I couldn't have done the conventus, quint fac and mass dance without you. I love you babe... Thank you just doesn't seem to be enough to express my gratitude. Let's jia you for bash and bring zouk down... haha... =)

I'm tired.

I don't understand. Honestly. I think i've been very understanding and patient with him all this while. I think i have been supporting enough. He does not seem to understand. He is not the only one feeling stress and tired. I might just be a student on attachment. But i still feel tired and stress. Working as a nurse is really not easy. People have expectations on him. People also have expectations on me. I have so many things to do. Not physical true. But mentally. I'm tired, stress and worried everyday. What about him. Just physical activities and stress. He is not helping me at all. Sometimes i feel so tired of my life i just feel like disappearing. Never seem to be able to meet anyone expectations. I always feel that i am not good enough for anyone. I am so disappointed in myself. I am so passionate about nursing. But now, i honestly feel that i'm not cut out to be one. Sometimes i wonder how far can passion bring someone. What if i have the passion but not possess the qualities? I'm starting to get so confuse. I'm starting to have so much doubt in myself. I don't know anything. For now, i don't wish to know anything. I just wish that i can be happier and so can everyone around me be happier. I'm seriously hurting inside, stressed up and just very tired. Seriously, i feel i need a really long break. I just want to slack, relax and have fun. I just want to feel truly happy again. Now, when i am unhappy. He does not seem to be able to understand or sense it. He is too tired. Cannot even send me a simple sms to cheer me up. Nothing more i can say or do. I won't even wish for anything more. I've reach my limits. Just let each day slip by and hopefully nature would take its course and eveerything could go back to how it was.

Survive...

Second week of attachment. I finally see for myself the difference between the patients in a community and an acute hospital that my tutors always tell us. In a community hospital, the patients are very much stable and have high chances of recovery while in an acute hospital, the patients need a lot of monitoring because one minute they can be very stable and the next, their conditions worsen very quickly. 3 last offices in just one week. Wow... One of the patients that i've been taking care of last week passed away today. I felt super sad. He was recovering well last week and kept in view of discharge but this week, his condition worsened. Some patients are discharged with terminal illnesses and DNR order. No chances of recovery. I also realize how vulnerable they really are. One minute they are told that they are in the lab only for an examination and the next, they have to undergo procedures that might save their lives. The anxiety that i felt from them was overwhelming. I realize how strong these patients really are. The fact that some of them agreed to procedures to fight for their lives. The fact that some terminally ill patients despite knowing they do not have long to live, still stay optimistic and are happy. Then, i realize how brave they are and how fragile life can be. I realized that much of the comfort i gained came from the many patients that i interact with. They gave me even more motivation to do whatever i can for them to make them feel more comfortable.

To me, a hospital is such an ironic place. Happy yet a sad place. A place where people recover from their illness but also a place where people die in. A truthful and harsh place. Then, i also realize how ironic people can be. Every second even when i'm typing this. There are people out there that are dying, people out there that are fighting to live on, people out there that are living life to the fullest knowing that tonight they go to sleep and tomorrow morning they might not be able to see the sunrise. Yet, there are some people out there trying to end their lives. Live life to the fullest. I see the full meaning of this phrase in these terminally ill patients eyes. Their determination to do whatever they want. Even till the extent of a simple thing like eating their favourite food everyday. We live to fight but they fight to live. Then, i realized, they are in fact much stronger than we are. We might be healthy but weak in our minds. They might not be in perfect health but strong in their minds and willpower.

Tired and excited.

I'm tired. Tired of being shouted at. Tired of crying. It is really draining to cry. I wonder if guys will ever understand how tiring and draining it is to cry. I'm so tired of crying over big or small fights. Sometimes i really agree with emma that my bf is even more controlling than my parents. I know how much he loves me and is afraid of losing me. Sometimes i still feel so controlled by him. Especially by the way he shouts at me and say that he doesn't like this nor that. Sometimes i wonder, how long i can hold on to all these. Like i told olive. I wonder how long more i can keep telling myself that i should stay strong or we will work things out. For now, all i know is that i really love him and i wanna hold on till the very last second that i can.

I'm very excited about my attachment though. Hehez... First time stepping into an acute hospital. So freaking exhilerating. Haha...

Awake

I was watching this awesome movie on star movies channel today. It is entitled awake. Well, i think it is a good movie though the front part somehow makes you a bit confuse. The climax and ending of the story is damn good. When i first saw the title and preview i just thought that it is another movie that reflects some medical mistake that doctors make and another movie to the insight of the some what corrupted part of the medical field where medical practioners of higher hierachy in the hospital often have their grave mistakes covered up. It did not turn out to be what i expected and the story was twisted in a fantastic way. The twist was one that was unexpected. It is a very short movie. Probably one of the shortest i've watch. Say it was only an hour and 20 mins like that. Anyway, this movie is about this freaking rich and smart guy who took over his father's great business and probably one of the richest guy in US. He suffers from a congenital heart disease and needs to have a heart transplant in order to survive. He is of a rare blood type and so had a hard time waiting for a suitable heart. He was in a conflict with his mother whom he was very close to and who he survived with alone since young. His father was killed by his own mother as his father was abusive and his mother accidentally killed his father in order to protect him. His mother could not agree with the gal that he loved and wanted to make his wife and the surgeon who was his good friend and saved his life to do the transplantation. His mother insisted on having a top surgeon whom she found to do this transplantation for him. He went ahead with his decision. What happens was he belonged to this minority group of people whose bodies cannot respond to anaesthesia properly. Instead of really being asleep, he was paralyzed. He appeared to be asleep but yet he was constantly mentally conscious of all the pain and procedures and could hear everything that was going on in the operating theatre. It was halfway through the operation that he overheard the conversations going on between the surgeon and nurses and realized that the gal he loved so much and his best friend whom he trusted so much actually betrayed him. This surgery was all part of their plan to inherit his wealth. His mother saved him by realizing all the loopholes and finally called the surgeon whom she trusted to come down and perform another transplantation. This time round, using her heart. After calling the surgeon, she killed herself and gave her heart to him.

He really must have felt so helpless, lying there paralyzed, realizing that the people he trusted the most betrayed him.

Bordertown

I was watching this movie called the bordertown this morning and it is freaking good!!! I really agree with what JLo said in that movie. A career is a job that you give up everything and put in your all just to get it. You worked very hard for it. When you eventually get it, you realised that you've got nothing, no life.

Anyway, this movie is about the north american free trade agreement. After it was established, many MNCs started setting up factories at the border of mexico. These factories mainly hire young girls even at the age of 16 or 17 because these girls are willing to work long hours and not complain about the meagre pay. They work like for almost 24 hours but they are only paid like 5 dollars a day. These girls are fetched to and fro the factories by buses. Along the way, many of these girls are raped and murdered, their bodies, either buried or thrown into an isolated dump. These isolated lands and dump soon became a mass graveyard. Every night, there would be a girl raped and murdered. The death toll is 5000 and still increasing. This situation has not changed much even till now since these MNCs finds it cheaper to just ignore rather than hire defence forces to protect these girls. Every night an innocent girl dies.

JLo is an american reporter. She was a mexican. When she was young, her parents immigrated to america in search for a better life but were killed. She was then adopted by an american family. While helping a young mexican girl who climbed out of her own grave after being raped and supposedly murdered, to find the 2 culprits and in hope of solving this matter. JLo discovers that the whole matter is covered up by the mexican police since it has a conspiracy with the US government. Many of these rapers and murders are influential people in the mexican government. Thus, their crimes were well covered up.

This movie shows the struggle of a young girl together with JLo to fight for justice for these dead women and what they've been through before their death as JLo fights to tell the story of this young girl and to voice out for the many victims. In the midst of it, she starts to discover and find the courage to face up to her being not a true american but a true mexican, and to search for herself.

It is sad to know that this is still going on. Every night when we are safely asleep, one innocent mexican girl is raped and murdered. The fact is no one dares to report or fight for the truth except for truely brave souls. This is because of bribery and everyone fears the government. MNCs and even the US government are turning a blind eye since through the NAFTA, both the US and mexican governments are benefiting from the revenue earned and high profits. Also, in hope of promoting globalization. In the midst of it, many young lives are cruelly taken away.

To know that the electronic goods that we used today are truly over priced. The labour that made these products are freaking cheap. Can you imagine who would work 24 hours just for 5 dollars? Every second that passes, these factories are able to produce a great number of electronic goods.

There is nothing anyone can do about this situation. These young girls are brutally raped and murdered yet not given any protection. Hopefully, more voluntary organizations could be set up to offer at least some protection for these girls.

It's hard...

It is hard, really so hard. In fact, it had never been easy. We happen to have met that night at st james when we were purely there to have fun. Somehow we collided at the crossroads. From mere acquaintances, we became friends and soon, lovers. At that point of time, i gave up one of the most important thing in my life at that point of time to be with you. Sometimes, i wonder if it was worth it. I guess somehow i found the answer long ago. If not, i would not have been with you. Whether i would regret? I would verbalize that i don't know but deep in my heart, i know i'll never regret.

Now, i put all my trust in you. Someone told me that sometimes i should be skeptical because it is good to be. Still, i choose to put all my trust in you. I love you so much that i'm willing to do this. I'm willing to give up important things in my life just to be with you. You told me you gave up your career for me. I never asked for it. I'm still happy you did though i know it is not very nice. As much as i'm probably the most important in you life, you are also most probably the most important thing in my life. I don't mind if my world just revolves around you. I love you so much i'm willing to give my everything to you. It is hard. Whatever i've done. All i want is for you to treasure, appreciate and see what i've done for you. I'm glad that you can.

I really love you...

This is especially for my baby darling and dee bananas and my babes who have always been there for me.

Simple Plan - Save you

Take a breath, I pull myself together.
Just another step until I reach the door.
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you..
I wish that I could tell you something to take it all away.

Sometimes I wish I could save you,
And there's so many things that I want you to know.
I won't give up 'til it's over.
If it takes you forever, I want you to know..

When I hear your voice,It's drowning in the whispers.
It's just skin and bones,There's nothing left to take.
And no matter what I do,I can't make you feel better.
If only I could find the answer to help me understand..

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there's so many things that I want you to know.
I won't give up 'til it's over.
If it takes you forever, I want you to know that..

If you fall, stumble down, I'll pick you up off the ground.
If you lose faith in you, I'll give you strength to pull through.
Tell me you won't give up,'Cause I'll be waiting if you fall.
You know I'll be there for you.
If only I could find the answer to take it all away..

Sometimes I wish I could save you,
And there's so many things that I want you to know.
I won't give up 'til it's over.
If it takes you forever, I want you to know..

I wish I could save you..
I want you to know..
I wish I could save you..

I don't know if you realise. I know you are hurting in silence. You think i cannot feel it? I love you so much i know it is hurting. I'm hurting too. Can you see? I'm trying my best but can you see it? You always tell me that you understand and that you can forgive me. Honestly, sometimes i feel you can't. If you can, you would stop forcing me. It is not about my principle but right at this point there is really nothing i can do. If there is, i would have done something right? You think i would just let you hurt silently inside? You really think i am so cruel? If you really feel so, then, all i can say is that i'm disappointed in you because you don't know me well enough. I've given up a lot of things just to be with you. In the future, there will be more that i have to give up. You know what it is like to give up something really important to you. You should know how difficult it is. You should know that this is really not easy for me but i'm trying. All i'm asking for is to give me time. Is it so hard?

This is what you wrote:
"Happy, honest, humour.
Probably the most important elements of a relationship.
But it's unfair, it's never fair.
These 3Hs only happen in a bedtime story, movie,
but never in reality.
Maybe at the beginning.
But after honey lost its sweetness,
it's like a rainbow fading,
when everything dries up.
is this nature?
If it is, do we have the strength to overcome this so called disaster? "

It really makes me feel that you are giving up and throwing everything we built together away.
Let me tell you this, even if this is nature, if you really love me so damn much you would be fighting together with me. There would not be one relationship that is so smooth sailing. Never. It is nature that everything ought to come to an end but you can always save it. Flowers would wilt but you can always give them water and nutrients and they come alive again. Disasters are happening everywhere on this earth but people are working hard to rebuild their lives after that. All you need is determination. To fight for the things or the people that you love. If you feel that it is nature and that we would not have the strength to fight it. Honestly, it makes me feel that you are finding an excuse to give up without even putting on a good fight.

Sometimes, i feel that you are the one creating the problems for yourself. Sometimes, it seems like there is nothing but you are always feeling that something is wrong. Sometimes, i feel that you are the one that is bringing in Darryl based on the reason that you cannot forget. You can't forget and that is why you will always think of the bad things that happened. That is why i always say you can't forgive. Don't you get it. To forgive is to forget. If you can't forget, how could you forgive a person. You think that you've forgiven the person but deep down, you didn't. You can't consider a problem solved. It is either solved or not. No third option. Don't say sorry if you would repeat the same mistake. Don't say you've forgiven me when you can't. Don't say you love me as much when you make me feel that you are giving up. Don't say you understand when you don't.

You feel that we are going around in circles. Yes, i agree totally. This is like a deja vu. We are going round in circles so much that i've lost all directions and i feel so lost. It feels like i'm walking this never ending maze and i just can't find my way out. No matter how hard i try, i always seem to walk back to that starting point. Sometimes i feel that this is a maze that you've created. I told you a lot of times, if you have something just say it face to face. Don't make every one of our dates so happy but eventually when we are always quarreling over the phone. It is torturing me and it is draining every strength out of me. I'm still fighting so hard because i love you so much and i know that i can't lose you. Olive told me that i would be alright because i've already knew what i want. Sometimes, I can't help it that i would lose all my directions. I'm really at my breaking point. Don't act like you're fine in front of me when you are not. It is so scary because i'm holding back because of something that i fear. This something that i don't even know what it is and i feel like i would never know what it is.

Baby, all i'm asking for is for you to not act like you are fine if you are hurting inside. I just want you to understand that i'm trying my best and doing everything within my will that i can. I would definitely so something immediately if i could. I'm glad that the trust between us is coming back and i hope eventually it would go back to like what it was in the past. Try baby... Learn how to forgive and forget. You'll be happier this way...

The best...

Certain things, you just have to try your best. In a relationship, there is no such thing as who is better than who or who is not good enough for anyone else or who should or should not deserve anyone. A person who really appreciates you would see and know that you've did your best. No one is perfect. Someone who truly loves you would know that you are not perfect but you are the best and appreciate whatever effort you've put in whether if your plans turn out successful or not. Someone who truly appreciates you would cherish you and not break up with you for silly reasons such as religion. Someone who truly cherishes you will see that you've tried and whether or not you succeeded, he or she would tell you that it is ok and it is enough. Someone who truly appreciates you would know how much you treasure the relationship. Someone who truly cherish you would banish all your insecurities and not see it as an extra worry or a burden. Someone who truly loves you would be able to accept all your goods and bad. Even if you might not be perfect or the best person on earth, he or she would still tell you that you're the best to him and her and he or she would desire no one else. A person who truly appreciates you would not pick out your bad points or tell you what you didn't do good enough. He or she would still thank you even if you've made a mistake or missed out something when you plan to do something or did something for he or she.

Sometimes when you are having an internal conflict whether you should be doing this or that for someone, just ask yourself, is this person worth it. If your answer is yes, then just do it. Even if everything turns out screwed, even your life, you know you will never regret your decision. At least, you would feel that it is worth it. It is worth it to sacrifice somethings just for the person you truly love or cherish. Even if this something is a thing that you can never imagine giving it up.

To be loved is happiness. To love is an experience of happiness and sadness. Every relationship would have ups and downs. If you are not willing to take the risk of getting hurt, then you will never get to experience the amazing feeling of being happy, sad and angry all at the same time. You would never get to experience the feeling of wanting to give up and to continue at the same time. Every second in loving someone is happiness to me. Even if we are quarreling. To me, so long i can be with this person, i don't mind going through uncountable obstacles or hurt. These obstacles and hurt would just make me stronger. I know, eventually, i will still that eternal happiness...

Trust...

Honestly, i don't think that i am being very sensitive. The fact that you can warn me makes me feel that you don't trust me. When i tell you things, it is not like i warn you not to tell anyone. You warned me twice fyi. Don't try any tricks or don't tell anyone. Like wth... If you don't even trust me then don't tell anyone. It is like though she is just a hi-bye friend, i'm still concerned about her. Eventually, this has nothing to do with my close friends at all so why should i tell them. I think you should know me well enough that i'm those kinda girls that wil mind my own business and not gossip about anyone to anyone else unless these 2 person know each other and are close friends. Honestly, i won't gossip!!! I'm also disappointed in the fact that you told me not to change my perception of her. I mean like you should know me well enough to know that i'm not a judgemental person and my impression of people won't change even if i know their past. Everyone have their own past. Not like people who know about my past and my darkest secrets have a changed impression on me. Friends don't change their perceptions on another friend just based on that person's past. Moreover, she was a victim in that situation, not like she could help it. Though i've not been through that and i don't know how it feels like but eventually i'm a gal. I think i should understand her more than you right? If not, you wouldn't be asking me for my opinion. Like duh... My impression or your impression of me also didn't change though we know each other past right?

Gone...

Honestly, i'm like feeling hurt now. I didn't think that i would care that much initially. I don't really care who he is hanging out with but he seems not to care about the bananas anymore and he is like really drifting apart from us. I don't like the fact that he uses the reason that it is because we don't jio him out with us which is like so not true. We've tried so hard to persuade him to come out with us but he always have other commitments. We all have our own commitments and are busy but it is about making an effort to arrange a day or time where you are really free. At least, a few hours. It won't kill right. Moreover, you told me that you felt guilty because you are the reason why there are some complications going on in the clique you are in now and that you just need time to settle these complications. Now, i feel that this is not a reason but an excuse. Seriously, if you feel more comfortable with them, you could have just told me honestly. I honestly don't like the fact that you always seem to be finding excuses just to push us away. I really won't mind. All i'm asking for is just an honest opinion or answer. Is it really so difficult? It is so difficult to say that you like something or dislike something, if you feel comfortable or not. I don't think it is that difficult right? It is not like we are very possessive. We are willing to let you go if you just be honest with us. Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore because you are already forgotten in the bananas. Don't blame us without reflecting on yourself. Honestly, i don't feel that we are the one causing this drifting. We've already tried our best to accomodate your timings but somehow, you just don't make an effort. Or at least, I can't see that you are making an effort. It is not about saying if you happen to realise but doing. I don't want to hear you telling me to give you time. Why should i give you time if i can't see you making an effort?

I really do feel sad about how you are treating us. However, this sadness is turning into indifference, Honestly, i can't very much be bothered now.

Piss off irritating people.

I really cannot stand that fashion disaster in my therapeutic communications tutorial. I really felt like telling her to shut up and think before she speaks. She just did a great job in making herself look so dumb and naive. Like wth... Seriously, i feel that what she said not only shows that she is a naive little girl living in her own world but also a dumb biatch who does not understand how someone who decides to undergo abortion feels like. Well, in the role play today, she asked the "nurse" if she herself had undergone abortion before because she feels like if she is going to undergo abortion, she wants the person she is talking to to have undergone the same thing. When the "nurse" asked her how did she get pregnant she said something like, "oh because my boyfriend is too powerful that when he came, he broke 3 condoms." This is seriously like WTF!!! This is probably the dumbest thing i ever heard someone said. It is like common sense. Even if she never had sex before, Sex educators in secondary schools will most probably tell you that condoms are like 99% effective in preventing a pregnancy. Seriously, if a condom is that lousy, people wouldn't be using it. Like de... Use your brain to think if you are smart enough to enter nus then you should at least have a minimal amount of common sense. The things and way she acted as a girl who decides to undergo abortion is like totally disrespectful and insulting. Like use your f-ed up brain to think. People who decided to undergo abortion normally feel so fearful and guilty, and this feeling is something that you would never understand until you are in that particular situation. So please... If you don't know anything, please do not act like you know. Please learn how to be more sensitive. I guess sensitivity is also an essential quality of a nurse biatchhh....

Die Dying Dead

Seriously, time seems to be so limited but there is like never-ending stuff to do and study. People always say pull up your socks. I'm currently thinking that maybe i don't need a pair of socks but stockings that i can pull all the way up to my waist. I seriously need all the help and time in the world. I really have a bad feeling that i will fail both of my science modules. It is like i go into the lecture theatre feeling super blur and when i come out of the lecture theatre, i'm still feeling super blur. It is like wtf!!! BOO!!! I'm feeling so god damn stress since i really cannot afford to fail any modules if not i can forget about graduating. Honestly, i doubt i can even become a staff nurse. Maybe i'll become one but most probably the stupidest one on the entire universe.

One more thing... I'm finally printing out my notes for my electives and i realised that i just took up the wrong elective. It is like super boring. Its contents are like so freaking similar to what i've studied in my 'A' levels biology that i really feel that i'm studying 'A' levels biology all over again. Nothing new and interesting. The exam format is like 100 hundred MCQ. Can you imagine shading 100 ovals on the OAS? The thought of it just like makes me damn sian. I really hate shading OAS. I rather write alphabets in brackets. =.='''

I really got to pull my damn stockings up to my waist and really add oil add oil!!!