STOP IT!!!

Stop asking me what ifs... Nobody knows what is going to happen in the future. What ifs are questions that no one can answer. No one can see what is going to happen in the future. Trying to predict what will happen in the future will only make you more distress. Take a step at a time.

I always look forward to what is going to happen tomorrow but i don't expect anything. I don't expect anything good or bad to happen in the future. People always say that the future is a mystery. No one will know what will happen tomorrow. And i never live with expectations for tomorrow. The higher expectations you have, the greater the disappointment. Even if you expect that you will break up tomorrow, it is not going to relieve the hurt and tears you will experience just because you've expected it. You will feel as hurt and you will still cry as much. If you are going face something happy the next day, by expecting it you won't feel as joyful and as surprised.

Just take a step at a time. You have to crawl before walking and walk before running. What is meant to be will be, what is not meant to be will never be yours. Just know that i'm not like her. I'm not gonna give you false hopes. I know what it feels like to be brought up so high and then you fall all of a sudden and crush badly to the ground. If you trust me, stop asking me what ifs.

i won't stop trying...

We will always face barriers. They are there to challenge us. In the midst of the challenge, if we perservere and not give up, we will break down the barrier and grow stronger. If we cannot break it, we can try bypassing it. If eventually, we still can't fight it. At the very least, we've tried our very best. If we give up now without trying, we would regret in the future. By trying, we buy a chance. If we don't even try, we are just destroying all the chances that we have. Eventually, no one knows if we will pull through. If we tried and failed, at least we know we have given our best shot. If we don't even try, we would just live with the regret of not giving it even a shot.

Relationships, all kinds, are never smooth sailing. No matter how close 2 persons can be, barriers will always be present. But it is through these barriers can the relationship grow and strengthen. Don't be afraid. Don't question. Relationships are about taking risks. If you don't take the risks, you'll never know what the ending will be. Let's walk this journey together. Whether or not the road will be bumpy or whether our relationship will be able to withstand the tests. I believe that love can do wonders. As long as we love each other and stay strong, i believe that there is nothing we can't conquer. =)

DEPRESSED!!!

The thing about me is that i love to live my life walking on thin ice. It is not the first time i've fallen and plunged into cold water. Each time i fall, i'll lose everything but i also know that when i swim out of cold water, i would gain something new and good in return. This time round, i fell, i'll lose something valueable that i held on to for a long time. I don't know if this something new is really worth it. This time round, it seems like i'm drowning. Water keeps filling up my lungs. I'm struggling to swim to the surface of the water for air but i'll just sink even lower with each struggle. I don't know when i'll reach the surface. Neither do i know if i'll survive. However, i know this something new i've found would give me the strength i need to swim up. I know this something new would be waiting faithfully afloat. When i finally swim up to the surface, it would be there to support me and keep me afloat. And it would continue the journey on thin ice with me. I know it will never leave me.

Walking on thin ice is seriously risky. Yet, it is like an addiction. Each time the ice gives way, i'll fall, i'll swim to the surface. Each time this happens, i'll just grow stronger. It gives me the courage and strength to keep walking on. Maybe one day, i'll walk on solid ground again but i know it would not be any sooner.

This is to someone i've let go if he'll ever read this... i doubt he would...
Believe me when i say that i love you because i really do. Just that it isn't that strong anymore. I just want to be fair to you. I'm sorry. I'll have to let you go. I'm sorry. I'm just not strong and determined enough. But i'll always be your pillar of support when you need one. I really love you... =)

=)

mmm... well... the competition finally ended. i know i did badly and i screwed my own choreo. i guess i'm just too nervous. but it is ok. we've tried our best and we really had fun. i juz wanna say well done babes. to faith... thank you for everything. u're really an angel. u've put in so much effort and guidance even though u r not performing. to qian wen. thanks for organising everything and coordinating with everyone. take care of your hips babe. to cynthia and joey. thanks for all the effort and craziness. u two really hyped up my mood with your craziness. and also helped to relief some of my stress. to tiffany. i can't say how thankful i am. without you helping me buy the costume and editing the music i would have died. thank you so very much. i really love you so much. and i had a lot of fun clubbing with you on fri. oh... and i really hope i can club with you this thurs. i'm praying very hard that my ankle will recover by then. hehez... so long i can walk properly i'm going!!! to joy. though you r always like mia-ing but still thanks for all the effort that you've put in. i hope you will find a solution to your problems real soon. hopefully your transfer can be a successful one but don't forget to come back to the science and med fac to find me babe. oh... though this year we didn't win... if next year we can take part again or if sherly put me in charge or anything... i promise you babes that i will bring the whole zouk down... haha... =)

this morning's perfomance was really a success. i've got to say i'm sorry for falling.
to all the dansez-leians... i'm still proud of all of you pple. our spirit will always be here to stay. today's performance was a great one. i will really miss performing with you pple. honestly i doubt i will be able to find another group of dancers whom i can feel the chemistry on stage with... it is like the chemistry we have on stage just comes so naturally. i really hope we can still perform together in future. i really hope we can meet up soon too... to all that performed... once again... thank you... to peu... really happy to see you again... and i'm really touched tt you turned up after mia-ing for so damn long. to the hunks... thank you for coming to lend your support. =)

shag...

i'm like so behind time. haven't study so much things and haven't complete my 3rd week PBL and now much do research for week 5's one. i'm like so dying. so tired. i'm like dancing everyday until i'm like so drain. and i'm so broke. really need to call my sales rep soon. i'm like so busy i keep forgetting. really need money. haha... oh... and i really hate my PBL tutor. she's like quite lousy. today i can't even be bothered to respond to her or even listen to her. i'm like stuck with her for one sem. like wth... ooo... but the good thing is... finally for one topic in anatomy we have a good lecturer. i swear this is like the first anatomy lecture that i actually like listen to the lecturer throughout the entire lecture and my notes really have scribbling all around. haha... and am looking forward to this week's anatomy lab. we're most prob going to see rotting corpse again. i know this sound sick but i think it is gonna be kinda fun... better than going to the museum and like sit there and listen to some weird old man talking. haha... but it would be 2 hours. and we would end up in the museum for the 2nd hour again... boo... haha... maybe can skip the 2nd hour. but still emma mama will wanna go. so i guess i'll just accompany her and stone in the museum again. hopefully the whole session ends early... muahahaha...

ooo... and i think joy and faith just came up with this very cool concept for the dance competition for the bash. i think it is like super good. i hope everything will turn out fine. i don't expect us to win. coz i feel all of us are already like putting in our best effort and to me it is enough. jia you babes!!!! =)

schooling partying clubbing having fun

life is like so hectic and crazy now. hanging out with syikin and adlina and doreen and my taka peeps, schooling and clubbing. haha... haven't even started studying yet. this seems so crazy. but i realise that it is really competitive. it is so crazy. my fellow nurses to be r already all mugging like crazy. i'm like wth... haha... relac people... haha... chill... must learn how to haf fun oso mahz... juz like me. heh...

i'm like clubbing a little more now... going so broke. think i'm going crazy... haha... but i'm enjoying every second of my life doing crazy things!!!

SAVE ME!!!

ewww... uni sucks for one reason. we have to get everything through mails and the net. i seriously hate sitting in front of the com to download my references and notes and the announcements. and i'm seriously still very confused on how to use the references and to the tutorial thingy. but eventually everyone's like that i guess. haha... just have to get used to it.

starting to feel a little stress lerx. i'm so afraid i can't catch up. i'm bad at reading references and stuff. i'm dumb. i admit. doesn't mean going into uni means i'm smart alright. but i still love my course. coz i have fun friends. super fun and cool lab sessions like seeing rotting corspe. haha... it's true. and having to fail what patients really feel. like being blind-folded and led by my friends and vice versa to feel what it is like to be nursing a visually impaired person and being a visually impaired patient. super cool feeling. and now i really realise that nursing really needs passion. it is only that passion that you feel for your job that you will have responsibilities for it. and being a nurse you really need to be super responsible coz the patients are really dependent on you. hehez... i really really love my course now and i can't wait for further progression. really really looking forward to my attachments... wee!!!! =)

What's wrong with taking up nursing??? With or without support... I'm still gonna work hard to be a nurse. It is true. Nurses need to do a lot of shit work. As in literally shit work. But it is a noble profession. People who look at nurses and go... "Oh... You are just a nurse... " You people can just go back and re- think your definition of a nurse. It takes a lot of courage to be a nurse. Who is brave enough to face life and death everyday and do shit work everyday??? Can you??? If you can't then please appreciate nurses. Though it is a dirty, tough and challenging job, it is an honour and a very satisfying career. By seeing life and death and being faced with unexpected things that might happen everyday, it makes someone grow and nurture. It makes someone emotionally stronger. Nursing is a very meaningful and satisfying profession. I guess no matter how much i might need to sacrifice... I'll never regret taking this path... =)

mmm... so bored at home!!! i really miss taka lyk crazy!!! i miss everyone there!!! i dunno if i will lyk my life now... but i really miss my working life... really can't wait to go back in dec... hopefully!!!! =)

anyway... i'm lyk going to let go of him... but honestly it is difficult to... i feel sad if i dun contact him but if i contact him and he is cold towards me i feel sad too. ya... i'm lyk in such a dilemma... i miss him...

Going to uni!!!!

i'm going into uni lerx. so excited. but the sad thing is i can only go back to work in december. i'll like miss my job so much. and i'll miss everyone at taka. pple!!!! you all gotta await my return ya... hehez... i'll miss my lao gong (rahmat), auntie cindy, mee lang, jayne, ah fa, lawrence and everyone else... most importantly... i'll miss doreen and adlina like crazy... especially adlina... u rock like crazy bitch!!!! =P i'll miss my night life too... going to youth park for suppers... ya... haiz... but i'll be back. hehez...

anyway, now i've got a banana family... so nice... i love them all. and honestly i'm looking forward to uni life. so ironic. can't bear to leave my working life but yet can't wait to embark on my uni life. but well... life is always so contradicting. anyway... i'll be back to work in dec... so i'll look forward to it... hehez...

mmm... yeah. someone is complaining that i never blog again. not so free larhz!!! haha...
oh yeah... anyway... to me... quite a lot of things happened recently. juz been crying quite a lot recently... my eyes keep getting swollen!!! argh!!!! plus i juz got my psp!!!! yay!!! obviously, i would keep playing. making things even worse for my eyes... i'm sorry eyes!!!! haha... i'll try controlling myself ya...

anyway... i feel like saying this to that very someone... well think you should know it is you if u read. don't get hurt arhz... juz really want you to know this... here goes...

well... if you really love someone... you should just let the person go. let the person be free if you know you can't hold on to him or her. i'm sorry if whatever i said or wrote or smsed or did gave you false hopes. i really am sorry. but you gotta know that if you picked it up whether a not aware or unaware. you should know that you should need to let it down eventually... well... i don't know if you'll ever agree... but to me, to let go is not to forget but to remember and pick up the pieces and move on... =)

ya... same applies to me... think it is time to pick up the pieces and move on... it is time that i let go of a relationship... shu hui can do it!!! jia you!!!

haha... maybe it is irritating to always be reading lyrics on my blog but you gotta read this one... well to me, it is very meaningful... =)

Saving jane - Come down to me

Words fall out of my mouth
And I can't seem to trace what I'm saying
Everybody wants your time
I'm just dreaming out loud
I can't have you for mine and I know it
I just wanna watch you shine

Tripping up on my tongue
It's all over my face and I'm racing
Gotta get away from you
Burning all the way home
Try to put it to bed but it chases
Every little thing I do

When light falls on your face
Don't let it change you
When the stars get in your eyes
Don't let them blind you

You're beautiful
Just the way you are
And I love it all
Every line and every scar
And I wish that I could make you see
This is where you ought to be
Come down to me

Spell it out in a song
Bet you never catch on to my weakness
I'm singing every word for you
Here i'm thinking i'm sly
Then you're catching my eye , and just maybe
You're thinking what I'm thinking too

When you see it on my face
Don't let it shake you
I know better than to try and
Take you with me

sad but nice... =)

Toni Braxton Lyrics - Unbreak My Heart

Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Come back and bring back my smile
Come and take these tears away
I need your arms to hold me now
The nights are so unkind
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me

(chorus)
Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Un-do this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart, my heart

Take back that sad word good-bye
Bring back the joy to my life
Don't leave me here with these tears
Come and kiss this pain away
I can't forget the day you left
Time is so unkind
And life is so cruel without you here beside me

(Chorus)

Ohh, oh
Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Bring back the nights when I held you beside me
(rpt Chorus except last line)

Un-break my
Un-break my heart, oh baby
Come back and say you love me
Un-break my heart
Sweet darlin'
Without you I just can't go on
Can't go on

my heart is breaking. but u'll never feel it.
i'm crying. but u'll never see my tears.
i'm smiling. but my heart is breaking.
i'm so afraid. coz i know that one day you will leave me and there is nothing i can do bout it.
i don't expect much from you. neither do i have the right to. but still it hurts when you seem not to care anymore.
i really don't know what to do to show you how i feel. neither do i have the courage to tell you...

I'm just such a b***h

i know that most prob this someone won't read this post. but i hope he does. i hope he will know that i'm referring to him. yeah... no one's perfect. i might be problematic. i guess i really am. coz i know the problem lies in me. i juz wanna tell him. i really hope you read this post. coz i really got no courage to tell you. even to sms you. so let's see if you're fated to read this... the problem lies in me... i love you too much i guess... that till now i feel that i'm like still searching for someone like you. though i know it is impossble to. i still miss you and i know in my heart i still feel something for you. when i knew you broke up with her somehow i felt happy. i love my bf a lot i know. but somehow.... i guess it's not more than how much i loved you... don't ask me to forget or whatever coz i can't. i tried to let go... but somehow it doesn't seem complete. a part of me still wish that we could be together again but the other part of me knows that it is impossible. i'm such a fool... i want you to find your happiness but i can't bring myself to intro anyone to you. some selfish part of me juz hope that you can find the right gal but i don't want to be the one who find that gal for you... i'm so sorry... don't feel guilty... perhaps feel happy and honoured bahz... haha...

GREAT DILEMMA

I think i've hurt yet another great guy. I'm really sorry... I really don't know why it keeps happening. But i can't control it and i really hate myself. Especially when he is the last person on earth that i would ever wanna hurt... I'm really scared that now things will change between us... Though he said that it won't but i have a feeling that there bound to be changes. By then... I know i will cry. I know i will feel really sad. But i guess there is nothing i can do... Sometimes i just wish that i'm single again but the fact is that i'm not and i have a great boyfriend now... That's why though i have good feelings for him. I know i can never allow myself to like him. And i really hope that he can really understand that a guy and gal can be close as best buddies and not only close as a couple. Let's just take a step at a time i guess... There is nothing else we can do now. I'm really hoping though we can be close like before... That's the reason why i was waiting for him to tell me and in fact i prayed hard that he won't say anything or maybe i was jst being over- sensitive... I just hope for the best...

TIRED and PISSED OFF

ok... just realised that my blog is really really stagnant. haha... can't help it larhz... been busy working and hanging out wif my friends. moreover i haf to choreograph a dance wif banana for some perf. mmm... dun mind choreographing larhz. but honestly... some pple are really pissing me off... i don't know if that whoever i'm pissed off will ever read this and i know this is really gonna sound mean but honestly i'm really so fed up tt i don't give a damn anymore. first up... i hate it coz u are so damn indecisive. how many times must i tell you that i can't make it on fri nights nor sat morning. can't you just bloody hell make up your mind. i'm a promoter for god's sake and i'm not like free like you coz ur job hours are fixed and like only on weekdays. second thing. don't make it sound so light. it is not stretching session for god's sake. is for all of you to condition your bodies so that you all can catch up with the choreography and not f***ing tell me that you can't do this or can't do that without even bloody hell trying... third... you!!!! stop being for f***ing stubborn for your own good. think dancing hip hop is so cool?!!!! f*** off... honestly... all kinds of genres r cool coz you dance for the sake loving dance not dance to make yourself seem cool. and use your bloody smart brains to think. you've just start learning hip hop... do you think you can really come up with a good hip hop dance or just copy your instructors steps. moreover the rest of them really can't do hip hop and by then we'll all be making a fool out of ourselves and i f***ing hell don't want that to happen.

apart from dance. some pple in my workplace are also f***ing hell pissing me off... u 2 dumbos.... if you 2 are really so lazy... forget bout being promoters. u think it is really so easy??? dream on... and the another 2 of you. i know you 2 have problems with your health but that doesn't mean that people should always help you. i honestly don't mind helping you but the thing is do you even appreciate my help and would you ever help me if i need your help??? the answer is no. none of you ever helped me. i already have difficulties coping and you 2 just bloody hell stood there and watch. it is lyk what the hell. you 2 are seniors. seniors not helping juniors. wow... thanks...

but still... i'm enjoying my life now... went out with ah fa yesterday and really had a lot of fun. he've helped me so much i don't even know if thank you really means anything anymore... =)

Wow... Yesterday was a great day for me. Firstly, i went to eat supper with mmm... Veron, doreen, wee kiat, auntie florence, ah fung auntie, wei sheng, gty and shu zhen at lau pa sha!!!! wee!!! Like a rare chance that my mama would say yes. And though i reached home like super late, she didn't scold the shit out of me. haha... fun and i really enjoyed!!! oh... and secondly... shi liang sms me to ask bout my results.... seriously, i was really shocked. mmm... We can't be lovers but still we are like very good friends. He is like a great guy and he has a really good girlfriend. Lucky guy. Lucky me too coz i have a great boyfriend too... and my great boyfriend is booking out tomorrow!!!! And i'm soooooo excited!!!!! Finally get to see him!!! YYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!

Took this photo the day before he enlist... i miss him so much!!! i knew i would miss him... but i didn't expect that it would be this much... =(

haha... Got a new piercing on the 16 0f march i think. i know many people will wanna kill me or think that i'm mad. but honestly... it is really nice. and i didn't regret it. after all it is my body. and yup... this is who i am... you know what people always say. accept me as who i am. if anyone can't accept people the way they are then please stop asking people to accept you...

oh... anyway... quitted my job... BYE AUNTIE TAI ENG!!!! you can like so kiss my ass... i know you'll never read this... but it makes me feel better. and yup... JESSICA!!!! don't think you are so great. you are not more than a sales rep. =P ok... i'm being petty but i really had enough of you two...

sad sad sad... =(

Oh man... I will really miss taka... haiz... I'll miss doreen, mei mei, si an, wee kim, veron... Argh... Nvm... Wait till taka square starts bahz... Then i'll be back!!! haha...

haha... Just realised that my blog is like super stagnant!!!! haha... Well... Been so busy working and having fun till i don't even have time to like use the com. Just got my results anyway and i'm like stressing over which courses to apply and whether i'll get accepted with my very average results. In fact lousy results. Yeah.. GP is important but still so what if i did not bad for my GP but lousy for the rest of the subjects. It won't get me in anywhere. haiz... But still... I believe that there is always a place for me... haha... Don't be discouraged people!!! We did our best!!! There's always hope... =)