Been such a long time...

Just realized how stagnant my blog is... So... I've decided to write something.

I'm so tired for some reason i don't know why. I cannot imagine when sem starts. Cannot believe i'm graduating next year as well. I hope i will do well this sem coz i need to. I'm so worried i cannot cope. I still wanna continue performing but i'm worried at the same time bout my comm duties. Though being a logistic head is not that tough but somehow, looking at my timetable for next sem and knowing that i have to pass my physio makes me dread the start of the sem. sighs... Moreover, the comm seem to be having problems which i really hope can be resolved before sem starts. It is too early to say anything plus i'm not in the position to do so. I just hope that everything can work out.

I really hope for the best when sem starts.

=)

Stupid people...

I swear i am damn pissed off now. I don't get it. Guys can really be damn great bastards sometimes you just feel like castrating them. My goodness. You have such a great gf and you just because you knew a gal for like a few days and you decide that she treats you better than your own gf when your gf loves you so much to be willing to wait for you? You are in your late twenties and you cannot differentiate that the gal does not truly loves you but is desperate to have a guy in her life who has spending power and cars? I'm am so freaking disappointed in you. To think that you've changed. I was seriously so happy. Always thought you would end up with J. At least i know that there is some other silly gal like me who can forgive and wait for guys who do this kinda things behind your back.

And what is the problem with you bitches. I don't get it. You know that the guy already has a gf and you still lead him on willingly as a third party. I don't get it. How can a gal be so shameless and low down. To me, this kinda gals are just sluts. No better than whores. Gals who see know values in themselves so why bring others or inflict hurt on other innocent people.

This kinda guys and gals. I just so hope one day you would realize that you've hurt the ones who loved you the most and that maybe you would live to regret if you love them. It is never too late to turn back since she is waiting for you. I hope it is truly a beautiful mistake and after when you wake up you will realize how much J loves you and how sincere she is and how well she treats you. Hopefully, you would treat her so much better and tell her the truth. BASTARD!!!!

mmm...

i don't get it. what is so wrong or hard to understand about cross marriages or cross relationships? i don't get it. why are you so against it when you always claim that you are so open minded. you just proved that you are not at all. even religious muslims can accept me so why can't you? just because your friend had a bad experience means it would happen to everyone. you say you acknowledge but sometimes it take more than just acknowledging. the thing is it is not just like i'm ok with you two going out. but if you accept and acknowledge means you allow him to come once in a while on family occasions. why are you being so petty? it is not like we expected that we would have malay bfs. it is fated and destined that we met and fell in love. why want to fight something so strong? when it comes to marriage. it is not going to be so easy like i accept it but it also means you take him as a son in law most probably a son and give us blessings. it would mean accepting his family also. like can you be less naive and see where my dear big sister is coming from. like heeeelllloooo... so what if we are of different skin colour, culture or background. doesn't make us that different. we are still humans came out from our mama's womb after around 7 or 9 months stay. the differences are based on your own definition and perception. first of all, this differences might actually not even exist in reality and it is only your thoughts. so???? the point is why not give him a chance and yourself a chance to know each other better? i think personality is definitely more important than skin colour. trust me... i've seen it before. if you really love us as a mother, you should want us to be able to find our own happiness like how you found your's. so what if that person is of a different skin colour. race is defined by our freaking government based on our very fantastic thing called ic, the pink card. personality and love beats all of that. so... i see maybe you can stop behaving in such a naive and childish and petty manner and WAKE UP!!!! for goodness sake.

A sudden realization, urge...

The most amazing thing about people is that we always seem to wish about something we know we can never have. When i was a kid, i always wished that i could quickly be a grown up because then, i can have all my freedom and i don't have to ask for permission. i would be able to go out till as late as i want and do whatever i want. Now, when i'm in my late teens and it would be less than a year before i officially turn into an adult. i realize that grown ups face a lot of other problems. Then, i wish i could be young again. When i look at teenagers, secondary school kids, jc kids or even primary school kids, i wish i could be one of them. I want to go back to my secondary school years one more time so badly. I want to just have fun, knowing that even the next day i have an exam, i would be able to pass. I want to just hang out with my friends, knowing that i don't have to worry if i got the money, knowing that i don't have to worry being scolded or blamed for anything. If only i could, how nice can it be. Maybe in my next life, if i'm still human...

Disppearing? More of disappeared...

Alright. I really got no idea when someone will ever come across this post of mine. Hopefully you do. Hopefully not. I don't know. There are many things going on in my mind right now. But it is impossible for me to say everything. I'll try i guess.

First of all, i really have to say that whatever you all think and say about aslim is really unfair and bias. I guess you don't really know the situation between us. Many of the times that i stayed out late or stay out overnight with him or look after him when he is sick. It is not to prove that i love him. It is my choice because i love him. People show their love in many different ways. Mine is just different from yours. Doesn't make it right or wrong. If you cannot accept it or understand. At least, don't judge. Blame him for everything but it was never really his fault to begin with. He really does respect me. He loves to say words of anger. But the other side of him, you've never seen. He never snatched me away. I don't know how to put it. But i chose to disappear myself. The reason why i don't smile at home or you see me tired at home. I know this is gonna hurt big time. But honestly it is coz i am tired of going home. I don't feel like going home. I feel trapped at home. That is one of the reasons why i keep going home so late apart from the fact that i love night life. I think you really don't get it. Hairul parents or daddy and mimi don't accept cross relationship doesn't mean aslim's parents feel the same. They really can accept it. They already treat me like a part of their family. That is one of the reason why i'm always at his house. I know that it might not be as comfortable or as good as our own home. But that is where i truly feel at home. He got me a laptop and all the stuff coz he knows i need them and not because he just wants to flaunt his money or anything. Every question you posted to me. I can tell you with everything i have i can bet you whatever i have, the answer is yes. When i am at his house, i am tired coz i had a long day but i'm happy. He can give up anything and everything for me. He will never leave me alone. We spend whatever cent we can afford together. We save together and we budget together. It is true we always quarrel but it only brings us closer together. All ought i am willing to go. I wanna get married to him. No one knows what will happen in the future. But if you truly know what you want. I always believe... There is a will, there is a way. If you want something so bad, you will want to make it come true. With this, comes determination. With determination, comes courage. I have the guts to pursue what i want because i want it so bad. It is a passion that is burning. I do believe that dreams do come true. I am fulfilling mine. There is nothing to be envious about. You just have to work towards it. But then again, everything comes with a price. I guess is just what you want more or what you want the most.

Also, a social stigma is always there. I don't see the point in sacrificing what you want because of the social stigma. Social stigmas change because there are people who defy it instead of choosing to hide from them or follow them. Social stigmas are created because people think of something. Then again, it is their thoughts. Why follow people thoughts? We have a mind on our own. If you just gonna follow the flow, you might not be able to achieve any single thing you really love. One day, you will regret. Thinking can be changed if you are able to show that the thinking is false. Sometimes, you got to do something for yourself.

Alright, this is all i've got to say. For everything each and everyone of you have done for me, I truly appreciate. But I have disappeared a long time ago. I don't know. Maybe i cannot find my way back or maybe a part of me just never wants to go back anymore...

Not fated or maybe not enough...

I didn't get in NuS ensemble. I guess i am just not good enough. There are still many dancers out there that are better than me. I'm still lagging behind. I am disappointed in myself though, for screwing up my own audition since i let my nerves overtake me. I didn't really give my fullest and i didn't make an impression so... Ya... I am back to NUS synergy again i guess... Back to what i used to do. I let a chance slipped through my fingers. I can't get it back. I really feel so sad and disappointed in myself coz i know i want to get in ensemble so badly. Maybe i didn't wanted it enough or maybe i'm just not good enough. Nevertheless, get over it.

Quint fac is like 2 weeks away. Seriously, i can feel the stress building up. Really want this year to be a good one regardless of whether we win anything. Also, this is one chance that i won't allow, to slip through my fingers. So pray hard. I'm gonna do this. We will survive people!!! Jia you!!!

Stress... =S

I am super stress about quint fac bash. We only have like 2 weeks more of practise. But the dance seems incomplete and we seem totally not ready to be on stage. I am leading the team. I know that there are a lot of people out there who are expecting this year's dance to be a good one. I want it to be the best i can put up. I don't want to disappoint anyone, especially my team. I don't knwo if i can do this. I am not confident that i can even put up my best on stage. Conventus was great. But last year my performance at quad fac bash was a real disaster. I really hope i can do this.

Anyway, this sat i am going for ensemble's audition. I hope i can make it through the audition. I really want to do this. I really want to know if i am cut out for ensemble. Then, i am satisfied. =)