Stupid people...

I swear i am damn pissed off now. I don't get it. Guys can really be damn great bastards sometimes you just feel like castrating them. My goodness. You have such a great gf and you just because you knew a gal for like a few days and you decide that she treats you better than your own gf when your gf loves you so much to be willing to wait for you? You are in your late twenties and you cannot differentiate that the gal does not truly loves you but is desperate to have a guy in her life who has spending power and cars? I'm am so freaking disappointed in you. To think that you've changed. I was seriously so happy. Always thought you would end up with J. At least i know that there is some other silly gal like me who can forgive and wait for guys who do this kinda things behind your back.

And what is the problem with you bitches. I don't get it. You know that the guy already has a gf and you still lead him on willingly as a third party. I don't get it. How can a gal be so shameless and low down. To me, this kinda gals are just sluts. No better than whores. Gals who see know values in themselves so why bring others or inflict hurt on other innocent people.

This kinda guys and gals. I just so hope one day you would realize that you've hurt the ones who loved you the most and that maybe you would live to regret if you love them. It is never too late to turn back since she is waiting for you. I hope it is truly a beautiful mistake and after when you wake up you will realize how much J loves you and how sincere she is and how well she treats you. Hopefully, you would treat her so much better and tell her the truth. BASTARD!!!!

mmm...

i don't get it. what is so wrong or hard to understand about cross marriages or cross relationships? i don't get it. why are you so against it when you always claim that you are so open minded. you just proved that you are not at all. even religious muslims can accept me so why can't you? just because your friend had a bad experience means it would happen to everyone. you say you acknowledge but sometimes it take more than just acknowledging. the thing is it is not just like i'm ok with you two going out. but if you accept and acknowledge means you allow him to come once in a while on family occasions. why are you being so petty? it is not like we expected that we would have malay bfs. it is fated and destined that we met and fell in love. why want to fight something so strong? when it comes to marriage. it is not going to be so easy like i accept it but it also means you take him as a son in law most probably a son and give us blessings. it would mean accepting his family also. like can you be less naive and see where my dear big sister is coming from. like heeeelllloooo... so what if we are of different skin colour, culture or background. doesn't make us that different. we are still humans came out from our mama's womb after around 7 or 9 months stay. the differences are based on your own definition and perception. first of all, this differences might actually not even exist in reality and it is only your thoughts. so???? the point is why not give him a chance and yourself a chance to know each other better? i think personality is definitely more important than skin colour. trust me... i've seen it before. if you really love us as a mother, you should want us to be able to find our own happiness like how you found your's. so what if that person is of a different skin colour. race is defined by our freaking government based on our very fantastic thing called ic, the pink card. personality and love beats all of that. so... i see maybe you can stop behaving in such a naive and childish and petty manner and WAKE UP!!!! for goodness sake.

A sudden realization, urge...

The most amazing thing about people is that we always seem to wish about something we know we can never have. When i was a kid, i always wished that i could quickly be a grown up because then, i can have all my freedom and i don't have to ask for permission. i would be able to go out till as late as i want and do whatever i want. Now, when i'm in my late teens and it would be less than a year before i officially turn into an adult. i realize that grown ups face a lot of other problems. Then, i wish i could be young again. When i look at teenagers, secondary school kids, jc kids or even primary school kids, i wish i could be one of them. I want to go back to my secondary school years one more time so badly. I want to just have fun, knowing that even the next day i have an exam, i would be able to pass. I want to just hang out with my friends, knowing that i don't have to worry if i got the money, knowing that i don't have to worry being scolded or blamed for anything. If only i could, how nice can it be. Maybe in my next life, if i'm still human...

Disppearing? More of disappeared...

Alright. I really got no idea when someone will ever come across this post of mine. Hopefully you do. Hopefully not. I don't know. There are many things going on in my mind right now. But it is impossible for me to say everything. I'll try i guess.

First of all, i really have to say that whatever you all think and say about aslim is really unfair and bias. I guess you don't really know the situation between us. Many of the times that i stayed out late or stay out overnight with him or look after him when he is sick. It is not to prove that i love him. It is my choice because i love him. People show their love in many different ways. Mine is just different from yours. Doesn't make it right or wrong. If you cannot accept it or understand. At least, don't judge. Blame him for everything but it was never really his fault to begin with. He really does respect me. He loves to say words of anger. But the other side of him, you've never seen. He never snatched me away. I don't know how to put it. But i chose to disappear myself. The reason why i don't smile at home or you see me tired at home. I know this is gonna hurt big time. But honestly it is coz i am tired of going home. I don't feel like going home. I feel trapped at home. That is one of the reasons why i keep going home so late apart from the fact that i love night life. I think you really don't get it. Hairul parents or daddy and mimi don't accept cross relationship doesn't mean aslim's parents feel the same. They really can accept it. They already treat me like a part of their family. That is one of the reason why i'm always at his house. I know that it might not be as comfortable or as good as our own home. But that is where i truly feel at home. He got me a laptop and all the stuff coz he knows i need them and not because he just wants to flaunt his money or anything. Every question you posted to me. I can tell you with everything i have i can bet you whatever i have, the answer is yes. When i am at his house, i am tired coz i had a long day but i'm happy. He can give up anything and everything for me. He will never leave me alone. We spend whatever cent we can afford together. We save together and we budget together. It is true we always quarrel but it only brings us closer together. All ought i am willing to go. I wanna get married to him. No one knows what will happen in the future. But if you truly know what you want. I always believe... There is a will, there is a way. If you want something so bad, you will want to make it come true. With this, comes determination. With determination, comes courage. I have the guts to pursue what i want because i want it so bad. It is a passion that is burning. I do believe that dreams do come true. I am fulfilling mine. There is nothing to be envious about. You just have to work towards it. But then again, everything comes with a price. I guess is just what you want more or what you want the most.

Also, a social stigma is always there. I don't see the point in sacrificing what you want because of the social stigma. Social stigmas change because there are people who defy it instead of choosing to hide from them or follow them. Social stigmas are created because people think of something. Then again, it is their thoughts. Why follow people thoughts? We have a mind on our own. If you just gonna follow the flow, you might not be able to achieve any single thing you really love. One day, you will regret. Thinking can be changed if you are able to show that the thinking is false. Sometimes, you got to do something for yourself.

Alright, this is all i've got to say. For everything each and everyone of you have done for me, I truly appreciate. But I have disappeared a long time ago. I don't know. Maybe i cannot find my way back or maybe a part of me just never wants to go back anymore...

Not fated or maybe not enough...

I didn't get in NuS ensemble. I guess i am just not good enough. There are still many dancers out there that are better than me. I'm still lagging behind. I am disappointed in myself though, for screwing up my own audition since i let my nerves overtake me. I didn't really give my fullest and i didn't make an impression so... Ya... I am back to NUS synergy again i guess... Back to what i used to do. I let a chance slipped through my fingers. I can't get it back. I really feel so sad and disappointed in myself coz i know i want to get in ensemble so badly. Maybe i didn't wanted it enough or maybe i'm just not good enough. Nevertheless, get over it.

Quint fac is like 2 weeks away. Seriously, i can feel the stress building up. Really want this year to be a good one regardless of whether we win anything. Also, this is one chance that i won't allow, to slip through my fingers. So pray hard. I'm gonna do this. We will survive people!!! Jia you!!!

Stress... =S

I am super stress about quint fac bash. We only have like 2 weeks more of practise. But the dance seems incomplete and we seem totally not ready to be on stage. I am leading the team. I know that there are a lot of people out there who are expecting this year's dance to be a good one. I want it to be the best i can put up. I don't want to disappoint anyone, especially my team. I don't knwo if i can do this. I am not confident that i can even put up my best on stage. Conventus was great. But last year my performance at quad fac bash was a real disaster. I really hope i can do this.

Anyway, this sat i am going for ensemble's audition. I hope i can make it through the audition. I really want to do this. I really want to know if i am cut out for ensemble. Then, i am satisfied. =)

It's been one year... =)

After seeing the photo album that emma posted on facebook, i realised that time really flies and the bananas have been together for a year!!! Wow... I'm so glad that i was in banana in pajamas when i entered nursing as a freshie. We really sticked together. Now, we are just like a family. I feel a little sad though. Ah xiang drifted apart from us. If not, we really are going to be a complete family. Still, i so glad to have the bananas and be a part of them. We started from being total strangers who somehow have certain unlikes about each other to finally accepting each other and becoming close friends. I really appreciate the bananas. I love you all babes and dude!!! =)

Also, it has been a year since me and Aslim met each other. Through this year, we gone through a lot. From strangers to lovers. We had a lot of happy times, sad times, fights and difficulties. There would still be many more obstacles ahead of us in the future. Honestly, i hope that we can continue to stick together and stay strong and overcome all obstacles. I really love him and i am glad to have met him. =)

Bad bad... =(

I am like damn stress now. First of all, i am suppose to ballot for my electives' tutorial timings but i don't what are the timings and when to ballot. I'm like going to have panic attack like so freaking soon. I feel so lost. I'm like taking both my electives all alone. Wow... How brave. The worst thing is i didn't check the module levels properly and i happily took one level 2 and another level 3 module. This means that i would be fighting against students who are majoring in either malay or japanese studies. My malay elective's class is really small which means moderation is much lesser. I'm so gonna die this semester. I really really hope i'll survive this semester coz i must at try to get all Bs for all my modules this semester. Oh wow... Bad bad bad shu hui... =(

Bad weekend...

Sigh. I had a bad and great weekend at the same time. Super pissed of with my parents and my sister. Long long story but then again... I feel that everything is blamed on me. Okay. They can say that i am selfish but i've sound out my unhappiness and tried making my point a lot of times. Yet, my points are not very much taken. They always say they try to understand me but honestly they have failed big time. Old fashioned should not be a reason. So what if you are old fashioned. Next year, i am turning 21. If you cannot even accept my lifestyle now, so what happens if i turn 21. It is time to let me go. About the ugly smses... Wow... Ugly as it can be. It takes 2 hands to clap. My sms was ugly because the first sms sent to me wasn't that nice either. You expect me to respect you just because you are my parents. NO... Not possible... Respect is earned. For people to respect you, you must respect the person. I'm not some lose gal with no freaking dignity okay.. If i really am, i'll most probably be clubbing every ladies night or weekend to hook up with some random guy. Aslim might not be of any relation to you but wake up... He is not a friend. HE IS A BOYFRIEND!!! SOMEONE I WANT AS MY HUSBAND. FYI... WE ARE PLANNING TO GET MARRIED AND ARE FREAKING SERIOUS ABOUT IT. Gosh... Distance?!!! How much a distance do we need to keep?!!! Have you even been in love?!!! Old fashioned?!!! Drastic actions?!!!! Come on... Talk to me about it man... I'm so god damn excited... Stop being so persistent and stubborn about things. It is time to think like a circle not a box. Gosh... I'm really going nuts!!!

Freedom writers

I was actually watching this movie called the freedom writers online. I really think it is damn good. The movie is a lot on racism in the US at a certain point of time where racism was so bad and people from different races try to mark out their own space as much as possible and kills or beats up whoever that invades their space. This teacher who was new to this particular high school that was integrated in the sense of races actually tried to change the students perception of the racism thingy. She went through all oughts to show them that though they have different stories, backgrounds and races, they are still similar in ways. She also made them realise that there are many other people out there who had went through even more sufferings than them due to racism. This movie is actually based on a real story. In the midst of gaining their trust and to get to know them better, she actually got them each to write a journal. Their journals were put together and published as this book called the freedom writers. This book was published in 1999 if i didn't remember wrongly. Now, i really look forward to reading this book since the movie is so inspiring. I think whoever who read this post should go watch this movie. It is truely inspiring and motivating. I think it really teaches people to pick up their courage, step out of their comfort zones to find a new zone and challenge themselves to make a change or a turn in their lives. It also shows you that dreams do come true and somewhere out there, there is a place for everyone and that if you work hard to realize your dreams, someone out there sees you even if you feel that no one gives a damn about you and that dreams do come true. =)

Guilty...

I really didn't mean to make Tiffany feel betrayed. Honestly, i really feel very bad but it is really for the good of the dance team to have positive competition. I really feel that i took a very wrong approach. It is like bringing someone so high and just dropping her. I felt like that before and i know the feeling totally sucks. However, as much as i hate having to pick my dancers, I have too many dancers and it is impossible not to choose. Though i have in mind who exactly i want on my team, i have to give hidayah the right to pick. Eventually, she is the main choreographer. Nevertheless, i recognise tiffany's contribution. I hope she does not feel that i got hidayah and i don't need her anymore. I still appreciate her opinions and what she did. All the more, i still welcome and hope to hear her comments. I'm not that good and neither is hidayah. I just really hope tiffany understands.

Wonderful weekends comes with a price...

Well, I had a wonderful weekend staying over at my baby's house. It was so nice. Hanging out late with my baby. Hehez... Though the first night he made me so disappointed. How smart of him to suggest having a movie marathon. In the end, I was the only one watching and he was sleeping on the sofa. Sighs... But the second night was fun. We went out bowling with his family. Woo hoo... Seems like my bowling skills got worse while my baby's bowling skills improved. It was really fun though. After that, we went to seven eleven to buy like 4 cans of 500ml heineken and cup noodles and we sat down somewhere to eat and drink and talk. It was really nice. Actually it is a pity we didn't manage to go to st james instead. It was our initial idea but since shafiq and co couldn't get in coz they don't meet the profile. F***ked up bouncers. Like open your eyes and see ok... Malays are not the ones who start the fights most of the time ok... Is dee chinese... Like duh... Coz these chinese guys always think they are freaking good looking that they can look at other gals but other guys cannot look or talk to their girls... Like wtf... Profile... Like tell me what is the profile... If st james is so against Malays, so why are there so many Malay bouncers in da club... Boo!!!

So anyway, finished with the wonderful weekends. Here comes the price... I know my parents are super fed up with me staying over for 2 nights since I told them that I'm only gonna stay over one night but end up staying over for 2. I know that they are sick and tired of scolding me and they do no know what else to say. That's why... Silent treatment. But then again, it does not really matter to me if they still don't get the fact that I really don't like that curfew thingy and the fact that i love night life and i just cannot stay at home coz i find it so boring. So... I guess these are things that they can never accept. But then again... Eventually i do know what i am doing and that this would eventually be my life. So... I've got nothing else to say...

I miss my baby so much anyway... Haha... Wish i was in town with him now... =)

Anger Disappointment...

Well... I don't know where to begin. Apparently, either I've been backstabbed by my seniors or there is a big misunderstanding going on. Somehow, I'm damn pissed.

This is what happened...
Let's name my seniors Miss J and Miss Q. I totally remembered asking Miss J and Miss Q if they want to join my team to compete in quint fac because I still need another 3 more dancers. They smiled and told me. Oh no. No thanks because they are going to be year 3s and would not have the time. So, all along, i naively thought that my team is going to compete in quint fac.

Only when i spoke to the main organizer of the quint fac did i realize that there is another dance team from nursing. I was going wtf!!! So i went up to Miss S and asked her who is that team of dancers. My really super nice senior who have been helping and updating me since i don't know when.

Finally, Miss S got back to me and she said she thinks it is Miss J and Miss Q. I was lyk wtf and wth, like !@#$%^&*()(*&^%$#@!. Seriously... Like damn cb!!!! I really felt like i've got like slapped on the face with a great red hand print on my cheek. Miss S said she would help me talk to them. She said that she agrees with Cecilia that we should not be competing with each other since we are from the same faculty and that they had their glory on stage and now it should be our turn. I totally agree with her. I know i screwed up big time last year and when i told that to Miss S, she told me, every year would be different. I agree. All i want is one more chance. This time, I'll make sure it is a really great performance put up whether or not we are champions. I mean like Miss J and Miss Q. You two had your glory on stage and i think it is time you retire and give your juniors a chance to have our glory. Like stop being so selfish for god's sake. So what if one of you can dance latin or the other can dance hip hop. I don't f***king care. I think if i train my dancers hard with hidayah's help. We are definitely better than you. Like honestly. I don't like to boast and neither do i boast. Sigh... To think that people i thought were friends, turned out to be total hypocrites. F***K!!!

Okay. Enough. Mmm... Got a short message for someone... Well, you should know that this is for you if you ever read this post of mine...
Please don't have silly thoughts of becoming a playboy because you are really a great boyfriend. Maybe she just does not know how to appreciate or cherish you but then again i feel that you should tell her honestly how you feel and work things out. I'm really glad to hear that you are finally willing to give in. The fact that you can learn to give in shows that you are changing and that you still love her. Whether it is true or not. This is how i feel. Pity, I'm not that girl who caused or witnessed your change. Nevertheless, I had my happy times with you. Honestly, if given a second chance, i would treat you the best and give you the best so that i would be the one who've changed you. Pity, you broke up too late with your ex-girlfriend. If i'm single now and not madly and deeply in love with my baby, i would definitely go and grab you. =)

Updates updates...

Wow... Been a super long time since my last post. Oh well. My blog seems super stagnant. Been too busy after my exams. My attachments, then FOC camp, then now dance dance dance and my boyfriend.

I don't know where to start. Let's see... From my birthday then. My very sweet Mr Oink Oink brought me to this super nice buffet dinner. It is actually a cruise thingy. So it was like eating dinner on this cruise that tours the singapore seas and then after that we went up to the deck of the cruise to chill. So nice!!! To me, the dinner was super ex. I really did enjoy myself though. Thank you baby!!! I love you so much.

Well, then came my camp. Haha... Was super fun. I did get quite dirty and very black. But oh well... My tan is fading. So fast!!! haha... I just love being tan. Makes me feel good. I don't know why. Maybe i'm just crazy. When other gals out there trying to be as fair as possible, i want to be as tan as possible. Haha... Oh... And i had a lot of fun staying overnight at Mr Oink Oink's house the first 2 days. And i celebrated my birthday (exact date) with him. Woo hoo... That was nice. Then on 1st july, i manage to get one night out of camp with a few of my dearest girlfriends olive, tiffany and hidayah to go clubbing at powerhouse. Been a super long time since i last clubbed with my girlfriends only. And i really appreciate it baby... =)

Then moving on in my very busy life, i have to dance for conventus and quint fac. And i'm really going crazy over these 2 dances. Man... First time i'm like stress over dance. Even in jc when i was training for my syf, i never felt this stress. Perhaps it is because i am in charge and apart from having fun, i feel that i still have to do a good job and present well to all of those who expect us to do well. This... I really want to say... THANK YOU HIDAYAH!!! I couldn't have done the conventus, quint fac and mass dance without you. I love you babe... Thank you just doesn't seem to be enough to express my gratitude. Let's jia you for bash and bring zouk down... haha... =)

I'm tired.

I don't understand. Honestly. I think i've been very understanding and patient with him all this while. I think i have been supporting enough. He does not seem to understand. He is not the only one feeling stress and tired. I might just be a student on attachment. But i still feel tired and stress. Working as a nurse is really not easy. People have expectations on him. People also have expectations on me. I have so many things to do. Not physical true. But mentally. I'm tired, stress and worried everyday. What about him. Just physical activities and stress. He is not helping me at all. Sometimes i feel so tired of my life i just feel like disappearing. Never seem to be able to meet anyone expectations. I always feel that i am not good enough for anyone. I am so disappointed in myself. I am so passionate about nursing. But now, i honestly feel that i'm not cut out to be one. Sometimes i wonder how far can passion bring someone. What if i have the passion but not possess the qualities? I'm starting to get so confuse. I'm starting to have so much doubt in myself. I don't know anything. For now, i don't wish to know anything. I just wish that i can be happier and so can everyone around me be happier. I'm seriously hurting inside, stressed up and just very tired. Seriously, i feel i need a really long break. I just want to slack, relax and have fun. I just want to feel truly happy again. Now, when i am unhappy. He does not seem to be able to understand or sense it. He is too tired. Cannot even send me a simple sms to cheer me up. Nothing more i can say or do. I won't even wish for anything more. I've reach my limits. Just let each day slip by and hopefully nature would take its course and eveerything could go back to how it was.

Survive...

Second week of attachment. I finally see for myself the difference between the patients in a community and an acute hospital that my tutors always tell us. In a community hospital, the patients are very much stable and have high chances of recovery while in an acute hospital, the patients need a lot of monitoring because one minute they can be very stable and the next, their conditions worsen very quickly. 3 last offices in just one week. Wow... One of the patients that i've been taking care of last week passed away today. I felt super sad. He was recovering well last week and kept in view of discharge but this week, his condition worsened. Some patients are discharged with terminal illnesses and DNR order. No chances of recovery. I also realize how vulnerable they really are. One minute they are told that they are in the lab only for an examination and the next, they have to undergo procedures that might save their lives. The anxiety that i felt from them was overwhelming. I realize how strong these patients really are. The fact that some of them agreed to procedures to fight for their lives. The fact that some terminally ill patients despite knowing they do not have long to live, still stay optimistic and are happy. Then, i realize how brave they are and how fragile life can be. I realized that much of the comfort i gained came from the many patients that i interact with. They gave me even more motivation to do whatever i can for them to make them feel more comfortable.

To me, a hospital is such an ironic place. Happy yet a sad place. A place where people recover from their illness but also a place where people die in. A truthful and harsh place. Then, i also realize how ironic people can be. Every second even when i'm typing this. There are people out there that are dying, people out there that are fighting to live on, people out there that are living life to the fullest knowing that tonight they go to sleep and tomorrow morning they might not be able to see the sunrise. Yet, there are some people out there trying to end their lives. Live life to the fullest. I see the full meaning of this phrase in these terminally ill patients eyes. Their determination to do whatever they want. Even till the extent of a simple thing like eating their favourite food everyday. We live to fight but they fight to live. Then, i realized, they are in fact much stronger than we are. We might be healthy but weak in our minds. They might not be in perfect health but strong in their minds and willpower.

Tired and excited.

I'm tired. Tired of being shouted at. Tired of crying. It is really draining to cry. I wonder if guys will ever understand how tiring and draining it is to cry. I'm so tired of crying over big or small fights. Sometimes i really agree with emma that my bf is even more controlling than my parents. I know how much he loves me and is afraid of losing me. Sometimes i still feel so controlled by him. Especially by the way he shouts at me and say that he doesn't like this nor that. Sometimes i wonder, how long i can hold on to all these. Like i told olive. I wonder how long more i can keep telling myself that i should stay strong or we will work things out. For now, all i know is that i really love him and i wanna hold on till the very last second that i can.

I'm very excited about my attachment though. Hehez... First time stepping into an acute hospital. So freaking exhilerating. Haha...

Awake

I was watching this awesome movie on star movies channel today. It is entitled awake. Well, i think it is a good movie though the front part somehow makes you a bit confuse. The climax and ending of the story is damn good. When i first saw the title and preview i just thought that it is another movie that reflects some medical mistake that doctors make and another movie to the insight of the some what corrupted part of the medical field where medical practioners of higher hierachy in the hospital often have their grave mistakes covered up. It did not turn out to be what i expected and the story was twisted in a fantastic way. The twist was one that was unexpected. It is a very short movie. Probably one of the shortest i've watch. Say it was only an hour and 20 mins like that. Anyway, this movie is about this freaking rich and smart guy who took over his father's great business and probably one of the richest guy in US. He suffers from a congenital heart disease and needs to have a heart transplant in order to survive. He is of a rare blood type and so had a hard time waiting for a suitable heart. He was in a conflict with his mother whom he was very close to and who he survived with alone since young. His father was killed by his own mother as his father was abusive and his mother accidentally killed his father in order to protect him. His mother could not agree with the gal that he loved and wanted to make his wife and the surgeon who was his good friend and saved his life to do the transplantation. His mother insisted on having a top surgeon whom she found to do this transplantation for him. He went ahead with his decision. What happens was he belonged to this minority group of people whose bodies cannot respond to anaesthesia properly. Instead of really being asleep, he was paralyzed. He appeared to be asleep but yet he was constantly mentally conscious of all the pain and procedures and could hear everything that was going on in the operating theatre. It was halfway through the operation that he overheard the conversations going on between the surgeon and nurses and realized that the gal he loved so much and his best friend whom he trusted so much actually betrayed him. This surgery was all part of their plan to inherit his wealth. His mother saved him by realizing all the loopholes and finally called the surgeon whom she trusted to come down and perform another transplantation. This time round, using her heart. After calling the surgeon, she killed herself and gave her heart to him.

He really must have felt so helpless, lying there paralyzed, realizing that the people he trusted the most betrayed him.

Bordertown

I was watching this movie called the bordertown this morning and it is freaking good!!! I really agree with what JLo said in that movie. A career is a job that you give up everything and put in your all just to get it. You worked very hard for it. When you eventually get it, you realised that you've got nothing, no life.

Anyway, this movie is about the north american free trade agreement. After it was established, many MNCs started setting up factories at the border of mexico. These factories mainly hire young girls even at the age of 16 or 17 because these girls are willing to work long hours and not complain about the meagre pay. They work like for almost 24 hours but they are only paid like 5 dollars a day. These girls are fetched to and fro the factories by buses. Along the way, many of these girls are raped and murdered, their bodies, either buried or thrown into an isolated dump. These isolated lands and dump soon became a mass graveyard. Every night, there would be a girl raped and murdered. The death toll is 5000 and still increasing. This situation has not changed much even till now since these MNCs finds it cheaper to just ignore rather than hire defence forces to protect these girls. Every night an innocent girl dies.

JLo is an american reporter. She was a mexican. When she was young, her parents immigrated to america in search for a better life but were killed. She was then adopted by an american family. While helping a young mexican girl who climbed out of her own grave after being raped and supposedly murdered, to find the 2 culprits and in hope of solving this matter. JLo discovers that the whole matter is covered up by the mexican police since it has a conspiracy with the US government. Many of these rapers and murders are influential people in the mexican government. Thus, their crimes were well covered up.

This movie shows the struggle of a young girl together with JLo to fight for justice for these dead women and what they've been through before their death as JLo fights to tell the story of this young girl and to voice out for the many victims. In the midst of it, she starts to discover and find the courage to face up to her being not a true american but a true mexican, and to search for herself.

It is sad to know that this is still going on. Every night when we are safely asleep, one innocent mexican girl is raped and murdered. The fact is no one dares to report or fight for the truth except for truely brave souls. This is because of bribery and everyone fears the government. MNCs and even the US government are turning a blind eye since through the NAFTA, both the US and mexican governments are benefiting from the revenue earned and high profits. Also, in hope of promoting globalization. In the midst of it, many young lives are cruelly taken away.

To know that the electronic goods that we used today are truly over priced. The labour that made these products are freaking cheap. Can you imagine who would work 24 hours just for 5 dollars? Every second that passes, these factories are able to produce a great number of electronic goods.

There is nothing anyone can do about this situation. These young girls are brutally raped and murdered yet not given any protection. Hopefully, more voluntary organizations could be set up to offer at least some protection for these girls.

It's hard...

It is hard, really so hard. In fact, it had never been easy. We happen to have met that night at st james when we were purely there to have fun. Somehow we collided at the crossroads. From mere acquaintances, we became friends and soon, lovers. At that point of time, i gave up one of the most important thing in my life at that point of time to be with you. Sometimes, i wonder if it was worth it. I guess somehow i found the answer long ago. If not, i would not have been with you. Whether i would regret? I would verbalize that i don't know but deep in my heart, i know i'll never regret.

Now, i put all my trust in you. Someone told me that sometimes i should be skeptical because it is good to be. Still, i choose to put all my trust in you. I love you so much that i'm willing to do this. I'm willing to give up important things in my life just to be with you. You told me you gave up your career for me. I never asked for it. I'm still happy you did though i know it is not very nice. As much as i'm probably the most important in you life, you are also most probably the most important thing in my life. I don't mind if my world just revolves around you. I love you so much i'm willing to give my everything to you. It is hard. Whatever i've done. All i want is for you to treasure, appreciate and see what i've done for you. I'm glad that you can.

I really love you...

This is especially for my baby darling and dee bananas and my babes who have always been there for me.

Simple Plan - Save you

Take a breath, I pull myself together.
Just another step until I reach the door.
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you..
I wish that I could tell you something to take it all away.

Sometimes I wish I could save you,
And there's so many things that I want you to know.
I won't give up 'til it's over.
If it takes you forever, I want you to know..

When I hear your voice,It's drowning in the whispers.
It's just skin and bones,There's nothing left to take.
And no matter what I do,I can't make you feel better.
If only I could find the answer to help me understand..

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there's so many things that I want you to know.
I won't give up 'til it's over.
If it takes you forever, I want you to know that..

If you fall, stumble down, I'll pick you up off the ground.
If you lose faith in you, I'll give you strength to pull through.
Tell me you won't give up,'Cause I'll be waiting if you fall.
You know I'll be there for you.
If only I could find the answer to take it all away..

Sometimes I wish I could save you,
And there's so many things that I want you to know.
I won't give up 'til it's over.
If it takes you forever, I want you to know..

I wish I could save you..
I want you to know..
I wish I could save you..

I don't know if you realise. I know you are hurting in silence. You think i cannot feel it? I love you so much i know it is hurting. I'm hurting too. Can you see? I'm trying my best but can you see it? You always tell me that you understand and that you can forgive me. Honestly, sometimes i feel you can't. If you can, you would stop forcing me. It is not about my principle but right at this point there is really nothing i can do. If there is, i would have done something right? You think i would just let you hurt silently inside? You really think i am so cruel? If you really feel so, then, all i can say is that i'm disappointed in you because you don't know me well enough. I've given up a lot of things just to be with you. In the future, there will be more that i have to give up. You know what it is like to give up something really important to you. You should know how difficult it is. You should know that this is really not easy for me but i'm trying. All i'm asking for is to give me time. Is it so hard?

This is what you wrote:
"Happy, honest, humour.
Probably the most important elements of a relationship.
But it's unfair, it's never fair.
These 3Hs only happen in a bedtime story, movie,
but never in reality.
Maybe at the beginning.
But after honey lost its sweetness,
it's like a rainbow fading,
when everything dries up.
is this nature?
If it is, do we have the strength to overcome this so called disaster? "

It really makes me feel that you are giving up and throwing everything we built together away.
Let me tell you this, even if this is nature, if you really love me so damn much you would be fighting together with me. There would not be one relationship that is so smooth sailing. Never. It is nature that everything ought to come to an end but you can always save it. Flowers would wilt but you can always give them water and nutrients and they come alive again. Disasters are happening everywhere on this earth but people are working hard to rebuild their lives after that. All you need is determination. To fight for the things or the people that you love. If you feel that it is nature and that we would not have the strength to fight it. Honestly, it makes me feel that you are finding an excuse to give up without even putting on a good fight.

Sometimes, i feel that you are the one creating the problems for yourself. Sometimes, it seems like there is nothing but you are always feeling that something is wrong. Sometimes, i feel that you are the one that is bringing in Darryl based on the reason that you cannot forget. You can't forget and that is why you will always think of the bad things that happened. That is why i always say you can't forgive. Don't you get it. To forgive is to forget. If you can't forget, how could you forgive a person. You think that you've forgiven the person but deep down, you didn't. You can't consider a problem solved. It is either solved or not. No third option. Don't say sorry if you would repeat the same mistake. Don't say you've forgiven me when you can't. Don't say you love me as much when you make me feel that you are giving up. Don't say you understand when you don't.

You feel that we are going around in circles. Yes, i agree totally. This is like a deja vu. We are going round in circles so much that i've lost all directions and i feel so lost. It feels like i'm walking this never ending maze and i just can't find my way out. No matter how hard i try, i always seem to walk back to that starting point. Sometimes i feel that this is a maze that you've created. I told you a lot of times, if you have something just say it face to face. Don't make every one of our dates so happy but eventually when we are always quarreling over the phone. It is torturing me and it is draining every strength out of me. I'm still fighting so hard because i love you so much and i know that i can't lose you. Olive told me that i would be alright because i've already knew what i want. Sometimes, I can't help it that i would lose all my directions. I'm really at my breaking point. Don't act like you're fine in front of me when you are not. It is so scary because i'm holding back because of something that i fear. This something that i don't even know what it is and i feel like i would never know what it is.

Baby, all i'm asking for is for you to not act like you are fine if you are hurting inside. I just want you to understand that i'm trying my best and doing everything within my will that i can. I would definitely so something immediately if i could. I'm glad that the trust between us is coming back and i hope eventually it would go back to like what it was in the past. Try baby... Learn how to forgive and forget. You'll be happier this way...

The best...

Certain things, you just have to try your best. In a relationship, there is no such thing as who is better than who or who is not good enough for anyone else or who should or should not deserve anyone. A person who really appreciates you would see and know that you've did your best. No one is perfect. Someone who truly loves you would know that you are not perfect but you are the best and appreciate whatever effort you've put in whether if your plans turn out successful or not. Someone who truly appreciates you would cherish you and not break up with you for silly reasons such as religion. Someone who truly cherishes you will see that you've tried and whether or not you succeeded, he or she would tell you that it is ok and it is enough. Someone who truly appreciates you would know how much you treasure the relationship. Someone who truly cherish you would banish all your insecurities and not see it as an extra worry or a burden. Someone who truly loves you would be able to accept all your goods and bad. Even if you might not be perfect or the best person on earth, he or she would still tell you that you're the best to him and her and he or she would desire no one else. A person who truly appreciates you would not pick out your bad points or tell you what you didn't do good enough. He or she would still thank you even if you've made a mistake or missed out something when you plan to do something or did something for he or she.

Sometimes when you are having an internal conflict whether you should be doing this or that for someone, just ask yourself, is this person worth it. If your answer is yes, then just do it. Even if everything turns out screwed, even your life, you know you will never regret your decision. At least, you would feel that it is worth it. It is worth it to sacrifice somethings just for the person you truly love or cherish. Even if this something is a thing that you can never imagine giving it up.

To be loved is happiness. To love is an experience of happiness and sadness. Every relationship would have ups and downs. If you are not willing to take the risk of getting hurt, then you will never get to experience the amazing feeling of being happy, sad and angry all at the same time. You would never get to experience the feeling of wanting to give up and to continue at the same time. Every second in loving someone is happiness to me. Even if we are quarreling. To me, so long i can be with this person, i don't mind going through uncountable obstacles or hurt. These obstacles and hurt would just make me stronger. I know, eventually, i will still that eternal happiness...

Trust...

Honestly, i don't think that i am being very sensitive. The fact that you can warn me makes me feel that you don't trust me. When i tell you things, it is not like i warn you not to tell anyone. You warned me twice fyi. Don't try any tricks or don't tell anyone. Like wth... If you don't even trust me then don't tell anyone. It is like though she is just a hi-bye friend, i'm still concerned about her. Eventually, this has nothing to do with my close friends at all so why should i tell them. I think you should know me well enough that i'm those kinda girls that wil mind my own business and not gossip about anyone to anyone else unless these 2 person know each other and are close friends. Honestly, i won't gossip!!! I'm also disappointed in the fact that you told me not to change my perception of her. I mean like you should know me well enough to know that i'm not a judgemental person and my impression of people won't change even if i know their past. Everyone have their own past. Not like people who know about my past and my darkest secrets have a changed impression on me. Friends don't change their perceptions on another friend just based on that person's past. Moreover, she was a victim in that situation, not like she could help it. Though i've not been through that and i don't know how it feels like but eventually i'm a gal. I think i should understand her more than you right? If not, you wouldn't be asking me for my opinion. Like duh... My impression or your impression of me also didn't change though we know each other past right?

Gone...

Honestly, i'm like feeling hurt now. I didn't think that i would care that much initially. I don't really care who he is hanging out with but he seems not to care about the bananas anymore and he is like really drifting apart from us. I don't like the fact that he uses the reason that it is because we don't jio him out with us which is like so not true. We've tried so hard to persuade him to come out with us but he always have other commitments. We all have our own commitments and are busy but it is about making an effort to arrange a day or time where you are really free. At least, a few hours. It won't kill right. Moreover, you told me that you felt guilty because you are the reason why there are some complications going on in the clique you are in now and that you just need time to settle these complications. Now, i feel that this is not a reason but an excuse. Seriously, if you feel more comfortable with them, you could have just told me honestly. I honestly don't like the fact that you always seem to be finding excuses just to push us away. I really won't mind. All i'm asking for is just an honest opinion or answer. Is it really so difficult? It is so difficult to say that you like something or dislike something, if you feel comfortable or not. I don't think it is that difficult right? It is not like we are very possessive. We are willing to let you go if you just be honest with us. Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore because you are already forgotten in the bananas. Don't blame us without reflecting on yourself. Honestly, i don't feel that we are the one causing this drifting. We've already tried our best to accomodate your timings but somehow, you just don't make an effort. Or at least, I can't see that you are making an effort. It is not about saying if you happen to realise but doing. I don't want to hear you telling me to give you time. Why should i give you time if i can't see you making an effort?

I really do feel sad about how you are treating us. However, this sadness is turning into indifference, Honestly, i can't very much be bothered now.

Piss off irritating people.

I really cannot stand that fashion disaster in my therapeutic communications tutorial. I really felt like telling her to shut up and think before she speaks. She just did a great job in making herself look so dumb and naive. Like wth... Seriously, i feel that what she said not only shows that she is a naive little girl living in her own world but also a dumb biatch who does not understand how someone who decides to undergo abortion feels like. Well, in the role play today, she asked the "nurse" if she herself had undergone abortion before because she feels like if she is going to undergo abortion, she wants the person she is talking to to have undergone the same thing. When the "nurse" asked her how did she get pregnant she said something like, "oh because my boyfriend is too powerful that when he came, he broke 3 condoms." This is seriously like WTF!!! This is probably the dumbest thing i ever heard someone said. It is like common sense. Even if she never had sex before, Sex educators in secondary schools will most probably tell you that condoms are like 99% effective in preventing a pregnancy. Seriously, if a condom is that lousy, people wouldn't be using it. Like de... Use your brain to think if you are smart enough to enter nus then you should at least have a minimal amount of common sense. The things and way she acted as a girl who decides to undergo abortion is like totally disrespectful and insulting. Like use your f-ed up brain to think. People who decided to undergo abortion normally feel so fearful and guilty, and this feeling is something that you would never understand until you are in that particular situation. So please... If you don't know anything, please do not act like you know. Please learn how to be more sensitive. I guess sensitivity is also an essential quality of a nurse biatchhh....

Die Dying Dead

Seriously, time seems to be so limited but there is like never-ending stuff to do and study. People always say pull up your socks. I'm currently thinking that maybe i don't need a pair of socks but stockings that i can pull all the way up to my waist. I seriously need all the help and time in the world. I really have a bad feeling that i will fail both of my science modules. It is like i go into the lecture theatre feeling super blur and when i come out of the lecture theatre, i'm still feeling super blur. It is like wtf!!! BOO!!! I'm feeling so god damn stress since i really cannot afford to fail any modules if not i can forget about graduating. Honestly, i doubt i can even become a staff nurse. Maybe i'll become one but most probably the stupidest one on the entire universe.

One more thing... I'm finally printing out my notes for my electives and i realised that i just took up the wrong elective. It is like super boring. Its contents are like so freaking similar to what i've studied in my 'A' levels biology that i really feel that i'm studying 'A' levels biology all over again. Nothing new and interesting. The exam format is like 100 hundred MCQ. Can you imagine shading 100 ovals on the OAS? The thought of it just like makes me damn sian. I really hate shading OAS. I rather write alphabets in brackets. =.='''

I really got to pull my damn stockings up to my waist and really add oil add oil!!!

Strings attached or unattached.

I just realised something today. When you really love a person so much to understand every single habit and temper that person. It really is almost impossible for you to totally let go of the person. A lot of people would say that they can let go of that person but deep down somewhere in their heart, that person is always living there. To let go is not to forget. Somehow, you will miss that person whether it is in the middle of the night or when you walk pass some place that possess a lot of the memories of when you two are still lovers or when you wake up in the morning and realise that that person is no longer your lover. The most cruel thing is when that person has already fall in love with someone else and his or her love for you had faded but still you can't let go. Silly as it might seem but memories will always be memories. Memories are like permanent scars. They will forever be imprinted in ones mind. No one forgets. Whether these memories are happy or sad. However, i always believe that as time goes by, you will be able to let go slowly and the hurt would just fade away. By the time the hurt fades, you will be able to review these memories with a smile on your face.

When everyone looks back on all the relationships that they had, they ought to feel that every relationship has its own regrets. Especially when you've been with that person for a very long time. The harder it is for you to let go of that person. However, eventually you will. Just tell yourself, it is not easy to let go and you have to move on. Pick up those shattered pieces and move on. =)

To all the people out there especially to my dearest ah gong...

AH GONG!!! Stop emo-ing ok? Sometimes it takes more than just treating a girl well. There are many other things that determine the possibility if you will end up with the girl you like. I don't know if you believe in fate. I do feel however that fate does play a part. No matter how long you are in a relationship or how well you treat a girl, if you two are not fated to be, eventually, you just won't end up together. Moreover, it depends a lot on chemistry for girls. Maybe she knows that you treat her well but she just does not feel the chemistry with you.

CHEER UP AH GONG!!! Let nature take its course. I'm sure one day you will find the right one. A girl who appreciates the way you treat her, a girl that you are fated to be with and the girl who feels that she has the chemistry with you. Try to let go and as time goes by you will find her. Don't try too hard though because sometimes the harder you try to find, you tend to miss out more of the good stuff. In the midst of trying so hard to find, you might have missed her out. =)

Hopes...

I honestly hope that we can stop quarreling over dumb things. Every time we quarrel over the dumbest things we both end up saying words of anger that would hurt the both of us. I really hope that we will stop hurting each other with our words of anger. I hope my baby knows that i'm trying my very best to be understanding though i know sometimes the way i comment can be too direct. I didn't mean to let you feel the way you did. It was just honest opinions. I know my baby has been tolerating my mood swings and been very understanding. I really appreciate it. =)

I hope that my baby knows that no matter whatever material he possess , what he does, how high is his education level; it doesn't determine who you are. I love you for what you are inside baby and i love you for who you are. Like i've said many times, a bike is just a transport. It is just for convenience sake. It doesn't matter if you are riding the best and most expensive bike on earth or the cheapest and the lousiest. The point is i love sitting on the bike behind you and the feeling of hugging you and us shouting our heads off on the bike. I really love you baby and this is all that you have to know. =)

HE IS A TOTAL IDIOT!!!

I SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH GUYS!!! THEY REALLY PUSH ME TO THE MAX. MAYBE I SHOULD BECOME A LESBIAN OR SOMETHING. LIKE SERIOULSY THEY CAN BE SO FREAKING IDIOTC. SERIOUSLY, SOMETIMES THEY ARE SO FREAKING DUMB AND LIKE WHAT NO COMMON SENSE. I SO PISSED. THEY ALWAYS JUMP INTO POINTLESS QUARRELS AND THEN TURN THE FREAKING TABLES AROUND AND BLAME THE GALS WHEN IT IS NOT OUR FREAKING FAULT. SERIOUSLY, SOMETIMES I JUST FEEL THAT GUYS ARE BRAINLESS IDIOTS!!! THEY ARE SO INSISTENT ON SOMETHING THAT IT THEY ARE LIKE BLINDED BY IT. LIKE... HELLO... CAN YOU FREAKING OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE AND STOP USING YOUR ARSES TO THINK BUT YOUR FREAKING BRAIN!!! ARGH...

Fun...

Last night i went clubbing with him once again. Then, we juzt spent the rest of the time till the next morning. It was freaking fun apart from the waiting for his friends. Well, we went with his clique of friends. Hehez... I made new friends too. Hehez... Met Zac, Agnes, Eunice and another gal who i cannot remember her name. Sorry. Hehez... We were so bored waiting for Azhar And Shafiq they all to come that we started taking photos outside st james. Quite dumb but still... Haha... Entertaining!!! Haha... =)

Since i spent so much time with him last night. I feel damn weird when he is not around me now. I reallly want to just spend my everyday with him. I feel so lost without him. Honestly... I really cannot wait till tomorrow. We are going swimming!!! Yeah!!!

Baby... I'll be praying that your father approves of the scrambler you want. I know how excited you are about getting that scrambler and i can see that you really love it so much. Let's hope that you can really get it.

Missing her...

I really miss my sister. Suddenly, i happen to realise the saying that when someone leaves you then you will finally realise how that person is really important to you and how much you will miss that person. Though it is only 6 months that she will be away but it seriously seems that 6 months would never come to an end. People always say that time flies but in this case, time seems to be crawling. I really wish that when i open my eyes tomorrow morning, she will be back home. How much i wish... I seriously can't wait till this 6 months to pass. I really can't help worrying for her. I always thought that i am a person who is able to let go and not miss someone so much. Now, i realise i'm not as strong as i think. Now, i'm starting to consider if i can really go overseas to study. Though that has always been my dream: to be able to study overseas. Honestly, i don't think i can bear to leave my family and aslim.

I'm honestly not someone who believe in god or prayers. Now, i just want to say... Mummy... Please bless small jie... I want her to come home safely. That's all. Just safely in one piece safe and sound. Though i don't believe in prayers but i know somehow you have always been watching us from wherever you are. If you can hear me, please watch over her and bless her... I really miss her so much and i just want her to come home real soon... =)

Interesting life eh...

Wow... I went down to his house today. Obviously,he was so anal about me talking to ah xiang and emma and being late today because he was fed up withh vacuuming and mopping the floor. It is like quite dots... But yeah... I was screaming to him over the phone on the streets and on the taxi that people most probably think that i'm a crazy woman. Anyway, he apologised. So it is alright. Hehez... Anyway, i helped him vacuumed and mopped Laura's and bubu and aya room for him. It was like we went to shop for Laura's clothes and it is like he just ask me to pay using his NETs card, weird but nice. I'm like always ironing his clothes for him. Really feel like a wife now. Always helping to put Laura to sleep. He is really lousy manz... Everytime he carry her she will cry and seems like he just can't put her to sleep. He told me last night that i really made him freeze when i put Laura to sleep. He said i looked so motherly... Hehez... It is a compliment but still i feel that very gal can do it. Eventually, it is our motherly instinct, something like a in born kinda thing and it is whether gals want to show it and use it a not. Hehez... Mmm... But seriously... It feels like we're already married... Kekez... Feels really good. Honestly, i can't wait to get married to him and have his kids. I seriously think that they will turn out to be mischievious rascals like him. Hehez... =)

We are always imagining our life after marriage. Sometimes it just feels so real and this feeling is really nice. I don't know how to describe. Some people feel that it might be too soon that we decide on our engagement since we just know each other for 7 months but still we will only get engage after i graduate which is 2 years later. Honestly, our decision is not based on the fact that we are crazy about one another and it is definitely rationale. Seriously, there is nothing to reconsider. It is gonna be difficult for the both of us but i know that we are both willing to try together and it is alright. =)

Troubles...

Troubles troubles troubles...

I really don't know what is wrong with me recently. I just can't seem to wake up in the morning. Daddy is probably gonna kill me and he'll most probably scold me like crazy for reaching home late everyday. He'll most probably think that it is because i reach home so late every night that i don't get enough rest. Seriously, i don't feel that it is because i'm sleeping late that is the cause. I used to sleep late like almost every night last semester and i can wake up like 6 in the morning. Mmm... I'm really wondering what's my problem. It is really irritating. I seriously hate being late for lessons. Especially pharmacology and Physiology.

Anyway, physiology 2 CA is like next week and honestly, I think i'm so gonna fail. I don't know why. I seem to understand the concepts but just can't seem to answer the questions correctly. Argh... Irritating... Frustrating... Shit... Seriously, i can't afford failing any modules this semester or i can seriously forget about graduating.

Ooo... The happy thing is... Dee bananasare going to have a gathering this valentine's. Wow... Sound cool eh... Haha... Seriously, can't wait to go to ECP to roller blade though i'm freaking lousy at it. I'll most probably go home with an aching butt. Haha... But who cares... At least i have fun... Winks winks...

Sadness...

As i hear the raindrops falling on my window pane. I wonder. Is there so much sadness in the world or are the clouds just crying for me? I'm well aware. The answer is obvious. Compared to the many sadness experienced by others. Mine is most probably minute. Everyday someone is grieving for the lost of a loved one. So why can't i be stronger. I really want to stop crying but i just can't seem to stop my tears from falling down. I know i can change things. My loved ones are still by my side. Still, sometimes, I just feel so helpless. Like i really don't know what i can do to make things better. It is weird. Seems like living in a dream and a nightmare at the same time. But i'm refusing to wake up from either because both are my reality.

Still special friends...

I guess aslim will never understand why shi liang is so special to me. Shi liang is one of the few friends of mine that truely undersatnds me. He said that many people always say that it is a pity they met too late. I guess for us. It is a special case. We've met too early. Nevertheless, we've both moved on and we are still best friends. Well, i guess he is my only close friends who knows when i'm saying things out of anger. He told me that if i understand aslim well and know when he is only saying things out of anger then i shouldn't feel sad but still i would feel sad because i love aslim and that regardless of whether they are words of anger, i still feel sad because he said them. Because i love him and that's why it hurts me even it they are words of anger. Shi liang told me that the fact that i'm crying for aslim just goes to show that he is worthy of my tears and he told me to hang in there. I will definitely hang in there. Just for you aslim baby darling. After such a long time, Shi liang has always been there for me. He knows exactly when to joke with me, when i'm sad, when he should listen. He knows when to say the right things at the right time. But sometimes i feel that yes, maybe we might have met too early, but perhaps we do have character clashes. But still, he would always be a close friend of mine and i would always be a listening ear of his just like he had listened to all my unhappiness, troubles, problems and complains. =)

And baby darling... I just want you to know that there is nothing between me and him. We had our moments. True enough... But we have both moved on. I have found someone whom i love and want to settle down with. And the person is definitely u baby... And he has also found someone new and special to him whom he wants to cherish... I just hope you would understand that he is somebody that i really cannot give up... If i could, i would have given him up a long time ago. But i just can't... I'm sorry...

Time flies!!!! No!!!!

Wow. Time really flies like boom... Super fast. Chinese new year is like over. Like wink wink and it is gone. My second sister left Singapore for her exchange in bei da. Mans... It is like best of luck to her. I really hope she will come back like in one piece and that she will stay safe and sound. I miss her so much. Seriously, seeing how blur she can be just makes me worry. Oh well... I guess that this blur blur thingy just happen to run in her blood as well as mine. Seriously, i wonder where we get this blur blur thingy from. My parents are like so street smart. Anyway, it doesn't really matter. All that really matters is she comes home.

Anyway, this year's cny was really fun. All my mia-ing cousins finally all showed up and i love it. I've been missing them so much. Hehez... The fun thing is to see that my family is like growing bigger and bigger with all the new additions like my nieces and nephew, my cousins' boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives. It is really so exciting... Hehez...

Sad to say, cny is over so fun is also over. Soon, comes my first skills lab assessment which is injection of medication into the nebulizer. Upcoming CA... Physiology 2. Yeah... So damn stressed up. I have a very bad premonition that i'll most probably fail my Physio 2 as well. Seriously, i just don't understand a single thing about physio and i really really don't know how to answer the questions. It seems like yes this is the correct answer but it turns out to be wrong. Sigh sigh sigh... So damn bloody irritating. Oh mans... Someone just save me please... I really cannot afford to fail physio 2. =(

Nobody's perfect...

For my baby...

When you catch the little things but overlook the big mistakes.
When everything takes longer than what it usually takes.
When nothing goes according to the best-laid plans you make.
Just remember that nobody's perfect.
So give yourself a break.
When the stress of your success, makes you head and stomach ache.
When everything you touch falls through, fouls up, goes bad, or breaks.
Please remember that you're human.
For you sanity's own sake,
And relax-
Nobody's perfect, So give yourself a break. =)

Just want to tell you this baby darling of mine... I'll stay by your side no matter what. Like you've said, we are suppose to go through thick and thin together. If you are glad to share my problems and troubles so am i glad to share yours. I really don't mind going through shit with you. At least all these shit makes us closer. Moreover, I'm serious when i said that i had a lot of fun pushing your bike with you when your bike broke down or your bike's tire got puncture. I don't mind if it happens on a day to day basis. At least i can spend time with you. I'm happy no matter what we are doing so long as we are always together. I love you so much baby... I really do.. And i miss you too... =)

迷宫

我总觉得现在的我像是在一个迷宫里失去了方向，迷了路。走了好久好久，但，好像一直绕会原点。我真的觉得好辛苦，好想走出这迷宫。但，就算我在努力的走，却一直走不出去。我真的累了。我好害怕自己在还没成功的到达终点，就已放弃。现在，我只能祈祷。希望我能在我们好不容易建起的爱情城堡里找出力量，好让自己和他一起走到终点。

有时，我真的好怀念以前的日子。

FRUSTRATED and DISGUSTED... like seriously... FO...

Seriously, i'm so sick and tired of everything and i really don't feel like going home anymore in fact i don't like to go home. What's with the curfew and not allowed to stay out overnight. Today, i finally realised something. Parents can be so full of bullshit and rubbish. They can tell you all kinds of things just to humour you and when time pass, after giving you a little sweet taste, it is back to square one. So much of telling me that if you are really unhappy about what me and your mom says, you can always debate. And wow... Daddy... Can i stay overnight out at my friend's chalet??? NO!!! What if you runaway and not come home again??? What's the problem??? It is only one night, i'll be back by saturday. NO!!! NO MEANS NO!!! Yeah... this was our conversation. In the end, he started babbling about how stress he is and how much money he spent on us, etc, and that i'm driving him to his grave and his health is not very good and that he doesn't mind dying earlier. Seriously, if you chose to undergo sufferings, it is your choice so don't complain about it. Seriously, if you keep thinking that you will die early then honestly, you definitely will. Honestly, stop whinning about your health to me. First of all, admit that you are getting old. You will realise that when you age, it is quite natural that you will have to depend on medications and health products for the rest of your life. If you really want to live longer, change your lifestyle instead of whinning to people, for example, you can stop smoking and drinking, exercise more and if you really feel so stress, do something that can relieve it, change your thinking or something. Seriously, like wtf. I totally had enough.

Making my last point, since i've decided that i've had enough. I'm still gonna stay out on fri night. If i'm driving you to your grave then... Oops... I'm sorry... Didn't mean to do it on purpose. And oh... I just wanna make my point, girls that party might not be bad or naughty girls. I think you haven't even seen enough of clubbing life. If you ask me, honestly i love clubbing and other gals who love clubbing, doesn't mean that they are bad or naughty gals. For me, i just love to party and it is the way you behave in the clubs that determines if you are a good or bad gal. Honestly, loving to party is just a love, like you can love swimming or playing the piano, it doesn't have to be a bad activity.

Deja Vu...

Recently, we are like going round in circles. We keep quarreling over the same problem. Seems like neither one of us can change our bad habit of not being able to wake up and always meeting each other late. I really don't know what we can do except to try. I really don't like the fact that he is always saying that we are taking each other for granted because i don't we are. Sometimes i feel that he can be too sensitive over some things. Maybe he just too afraid of losing me but still i feel that he should try to relax sometimes. He always seem to feel that there is a problem between us when we quarrel. For example, yesterday and this morning, he keeps wanting to talk about the problem when there isn't really a problem. The only problem is just that we cannot wake up early and thus we are always late. A simple problem, but he thought too much and made himself so unhappy. I really don't like it. It hurts me to see him so stress and unhappy over us. I really hope we can stop this stupid problem that isn't really worth quarreling over.

Anyway, i'll miss laura so much. She is going home today and i guess i won't be able to see her so often like the pass few days. Anyway, i really enjoyed this few days spending time with him and his family. I really had a lot of fun and am really glad that his parents really accept and that his daddy can be so open to me. It feels really good. I truely hope that one day my parents can accept him and see the good points that he possess. Hopefully, they will open up to him too.

Fear...

Tonight he told me that he has this feeling that he really fears of and hides from me. He told me that he have a feeling that we would break up one day. Honestly, i know i won't break up with him for sure but no one can predict the future. He told me that he is trying his best to prevent it from happening. However, i always believe that in relationships, fate is one of the main factors. I feel that whether it is family, friends or lovers, it is fate that we are all brought together. Eventually, we are fated to have met and end up and lovers and whether we are meant to be, it depends very much not only on us maintaining the relationship but also if we are fated to end up together. i believe that if we are really meant to be, even if one day we break up, we would still end up together. Like meeting someone when walking along a road and it happens that you and this person is heading towards a different destination. If you are fated to meet this person again, no matter how different the routes we walk, we will still meet at the crossroads once again someday. It is only a matter of time of when we will meet each other again. Rather than trying so hard to prevent break ups, i feel we should enjoy our moments together and keep our relationship strong because eventually, you will end up trying so hard that you become so tired of it and you might end up trying to maintain the relationship because you want to prove that we will not break up. Then, where is the true happiness and love that we once had???

I really wish that he can stop worrying about this and just let nature takes its course. Honestly, i do have this feeling that we are meant to be and i truely hope that my feeling is right.

My world is turning upside down once again...

Sometimes i really wonder if i'm doing the right thing. I really love him so much but he always says that i'm being too selfish or that i do not know how to appreciate him. I know sometimes i really did selfish things and i'm really trying my best to avoid repeating my past mistakes or things that he does not like. I am really happy with him but i'm not particularly happy at home. It is reallly hard to maintain a relationship with my parents' disapproving it and sometimes i wonder if he understands this. It is not that i'm trying to make myself seem very sacrificial because i'm not. The point and fact is i'm really giving up things that are important to me just to be with him. Sometimes i really fear of our future. I also fear that i might not have the strength to move on with him. There are a lot of things that might be my love and i would have to give up just to be with him and it is true that i would have to go through a lot of obstacles just to be with him. It is not only the cultural differences and religion that we have to overcome but many more. It is not only now but even in the long run if we have our own family, etc.



Sometimes i really wonder if i'm being too bossy. One minute he tells me that he likes it when i scold him. The next minute he complains about it. He always says that he does not know what i want. The fact is i also do not know what he really wants. Seriously, i always feel that maybe i really should not forgive him so easily. The one thing that he is really similar to shi liang is the shouting. He is at least better because at least he knows how to apologise. Sometimes, i wonder whether his sorry means anything or he is just taking advantage of my soft side. He apologises but makes the same mistake then what is the point of saying he's sorry. At least he could let me feel that he is trying to avoid his mistake and maybe i'll feel that my forgiveness is worth it. I'm seriously not trying to be anal bout this but i feel that if i'm making an effort to adapt and avoid things that he does not like. I guess then, he should try to do the same.




I really hope we could find strength in each other and be strong because i really love you baby...