I'm tired.

I don't understand. Honestly. I think i've been very understanding and patient with him all this while. I think i have been supporting enough. He does not seem to understand. He is not the only one feeling stress and tired. I might just be a student on attachment. But i still feel tired and stress. Working as a nurse is really not easy. People have expectations on him. People also have expectations on me. I have so many things to do. Not physical true. But mentally. I'm tired, stress and worried everyday. What about him. Just physical activities and stress. He is not helping me at all. Sometimes i feel so tired of my life i just feel like disappearing. Never seem to be able to meet anyone expectations. I always feel that i am not good enough for anyone. I am so disappointed in myself. I am so passionate about nursing. But now, i honestly feel that i'm not cut out to be one. Sometimes i wonder how far can passion bring someone. What if i have the passion but not possess the qualities? I'm starting to get so confuse. I'm starting to have so much doubt in myself. I don't know anything. For now, i don't wish to know anything. I just wish that i can be happier and so can everyone around me be happier. I'm seriously hurting inside, stressed up and just very tired. Seriously, i feel i need a really long break. I just want to slack, relax and have fun. I just want to feel truly happy again. Now, when i am unhappy. He does not seem to be able to understand or sense it. He is too tired. Cannot even send me a simple sms to cheer me up. Nothing more i can say or do. I won't even wish for anything more. I've reach my limits. Just let each day slip by and hopefully nature would take its course and eveerything could go back to how it was.

Survive...

Second week of attachment. I finally see for myself the difference between the patients in a community and an acute hospital that my tutors always tell us. In a community hospital, the patients are very much stable and have high chances of recovery while in an acute hospital, the patients need a lot of monitoring because one minute they can be very stable and the next, their conditions worsen very quickly. 3 last offices in just one week. Wow... One of the patients that i've been taking care of last week passed away today. I felt super sad. He was recovering well last week and kept in view of discharge but this week, his condition worsened. Some patients are discharged with terminal illnesses and DNR order. No chances of recovery. I also realize how vulnerable they really are. One minute they are told that they are in the lab only for an examination and the next, they have to undergo procedures that might save their lives. The anxiety that i felt from them was overwhelming. I realize how strong these patients really are. The fact that some of them agreed to procedures to fight for their lives. The fact that some terminally ill patients despite knowing they do not have long to live, still stay optimistic and are happy. Then, i realize how brave they are and how fragile life can be. I realized that much of the comfort i gained came from the many patients that i interact with. They gave me even more motivation to do whatever i can for them to make them feel more comfortable.

To me, a hospital is such an ironic place. Happy yet a sad place. A place where people recover from their illness but also a place where people die in. A truthful and harsh place. Then, i also realize how ironic people can be. Every second even when i'm typing this. There are people out there that are dying, people out there that are fighting to live on, people out there that are living life to the fullest knowing that tonight they go to sleep and tomorrow morning they might not be able to see the sunrise. Yet, there are some people out there trying to end their lives. Live life to the fullest. I see the full meaning of this phrase in these terminally ill patients eyes. Their determination to do whatever they want. Even till the extent of a simple thing like eating their favourite food everyday. We live to fight but they fight to live. Then, i realized, they are in fact much stronger than we are. We might be healthy but weak in our minds. They might not be in perfect health but strong in their minds and willpower.

Tired and excited.

I'm tired. Tired of being shouted at. Tired of crying. It is really draining to cry. I wonder if guys will ever understand how tiring and draining it is to cry. I'm so tired of crying over big or small fights. Sometimes i really agree with emma that my bf is even more controlling than my parents. I know how much he loves me and is afraid of losing me. Sometimes i still feel so controlled by him. Especially by the way he shouts at me and say that he doesn't like this nor that. Sometimes i wonder, how long i can hold on to all these. Like i told olive. I wonder how long more i can keep telling myself that i should stay strong or we will work things out. For now, all i know is that i really love him and i wanna hold on till the very last second that i can.

I'm very excited about my attachment though. Hehez... First time stepping into an acute hospital. So freaking exhilerating. Haha...